Wattup, my saucy little cufflinks.
The veggies are organic, but this smile is 1000% Starbucks Morning Roast! Giggity giggity goo!
Not too long ago I was at home sick sitting in my underwear and browsing the internets, all lit up on Dayquil and the adrenaline of big Hollweird dreamin’. I dunno about you but there is something about internet people that gets my creativity flowing like wine cooler at my cousin’s Quincañera. So it’s no surprise that pretty soon the muses started screaming at me to make a present for my favorite internet person—the illustrious vegan tit throb, Hi I’m Rawn.
Every girl needs a handsome crunchy vegan in her life. Being around someone like that has the ability to toss human fruit rollups like me straight into ketosis, and bolster our health motivation until it grows like a majestic beanstalk. I’ll admit that I’m not quite the model of health—my standard lunch is half a Swedish fish and a tablespoon of gasoline, plus I haven’t hit the gym since the Power Rangers were in style (It’s hard to choose a gym when there are so many options! And what is this abhorrent Curves I hear of? Queen, PLEASE! Curves is the tampon of gyms).
There are a lot of things I’d like in this crisp new year, and wanting to want to be healthy is right next to my desire to develop the ability to fart in straight up dub step. This organic vegetable bouquet I made for Mr. Rawn is a bit of a testament to these craven, embryonic resolutions. Here’s to a fresh new year, bitches!
If you feel moved to duplicate this bouquet, first ransack your local produce section or farmer’s market like a hungry, foaming quadruped. Gather many long and fluffy leafy greens: vegetables that look like they basically invented photosynthesis will look best, from an aesthetic standpoint. I used dandelion greens, chard, 2 stalks of leeks, collard greens, a bunch of carrots, rhubarb, golden beets, parsley, Russian kale, purple kale, and a long stalk of brussel sprouts. Wrap all that fluffy green shit up in floral plastic and then hire a freelance dry waller/delivery boy from Craigslist at the last minute on New Year’s Eve to drop it off on your recipient’s doorstep in exchange for an undisclosed amount of crumpled dollah billz and some designer hair pomade. Wait, what?
On the slab:
Funny how much my large, majestic breasts look just like Russian kale!!