50 Shades of Hey Girl Heyyyy

Posted on May 30, 2012 by Jacquie

I have a sneaking suspicion that the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon is going to bring an avalanche of bondage and S&M fashion trends–as if it didn’t already happen every year in a big leather wave with Rihanna sitting on its crest wearing a hemp ball gag. For the uninformed, 50 Shades of Grey is the first in a series of novels that started as Twilight fan fuckery and turned into full blown “mommy porn” trilogy, replete with bondage and kinkiness galore. I heard Seacrest wailing about it on his morning show the other day and for whatever reason, it appears that this book has firmly clamped the large turgid nipple of the mass consciousness right now.

I’m excited for the impending bondage accessory DIY mania…. I’ll be waiting with the hammer of Thor in hand, ready to lay the smackdown on some cobbler’s leather. I’ve always dug the look of harnesses and leather and studs, probably because I’m a freaking badass biatch whose coolness must be restrained. I got really into the aesthetic back in college when I was part of a super hilarious student event.

Sidenote- Back in school I was never a part of the Greek system. I wasn’t a horrible frat boy cling-along nor a lucite sorority girl so I had to find acceptance and belonging elsewhere. I clearly sampled the frat-tastic dudes for sport, but never caught full-on ebrola, thankyouverymuch. I actually got rejected from every sorority at Yale, most likely because the other girls could tell my mental diq was the biggest in the room and tucked their necks into their double-collared shells whenever I came around. Thankfully, my school was an ideal playground for marginalized oddities like me and I found my tribe. I didn’t need the sororities and their awesome lesbian manors!

One way I searched for meaningful integration into college life was by latching onto scandalous student organizations. Transgressive gypsy living perfectly suited me as a lapsed Catholic! I co-directed this sex education event called Sex Week at Yale, in which one of my many tasks was interviewing JT of JT’s Stockroom, aka the premier fetish and bondage sexporium in the sunny City of Angels. He was very charming and his company kindly sent me a few high res pictures of naked women in puppy cages. OH And I somehow finagled a deal where we would promote them on a poster for a huge party, aptly named “Skull and BONED,” in return for borrowing $3,000 worth of latex fetish wear for the poster design. They sent me boxes full of pristine girdles and skirts made of latex…I had to be oiled like a vintage Schwarzenegger in order to fit into those tiny rubber sheaths, but hark! It worked!

50 Shades of bondage fashion:

The caged bird BLINGS:

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OKAYOKAY

Posted on May 29, 2012 by Jacquie

So I have lost not one, but TWO (two!) crafts, aka chunky posts, to card read errors this past week. QUE LASTIMA.

I AM BETTER THAN THIS! I’m a member of generation iPod fer chrissakes. There is no excuse for any of us to devolve into slipshod iSchlubs. My technical negligencies totally swamped my blog game. NO MOAR! I need to be the mitochondria of craft bloggers- a powerhouse of archetypal feminine artistry pumping out a heady mix of macrame and felted Yodas so y’all can lap that shit up.

Gotta go oil ye olde brain cogs see u soon.

Image via

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Totally looks like…

Posted on May 22, 2012 by Jacquie

So like….

They are taking iPhone app facial recognition to the next level, yo. The match may not make sense now, but I’d like to think that this is fortelling my future as a glistening macho action star with a supple silly putty face. I really think this is deep stuff right here.

Maybe I’ll start a 90s blues band and vacation in Idaho and name my spawn things that rhyme with “tumor”…Demi is single and the wheels are in motion. Y’all!

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PIXEL MOUSE EARRINGS

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Jacquie

Ya dig????

I made these and then realized that my earring holes have closed up again. UGH! Who wants to come over and fix them with me tonight? We can pretend I’m an ear virgin and have a slumber party whilst we pierce me like a Mexican 2 month old at Claire’s. We need some vodka, a potato, and a butter knife! Should we Ustream it? DM me.

[GUFFAWWW]

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DIY Spiked Bowser Headband

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Jacquie

HALLO THURR.

Do you read fashion blogs? I do. I love them because I am a girly girl with a computer machine and a frickin clue. I really enjoy watching blog fashion princesses prancing around fancy places like New York and Milan and not-the-Midwest looking like tall glasses of skim milk in Louboutins. But not gonna lie, those blogs with their pretty girls and their laces and thin metallic leather goods can make me a little jealy. Sometimes I unspool the FASHUNN section of my Google Reader and I’m all “I want expensive tranny heels like her! Why do that bitch’s jaundiced toes get all the fun?” Then I sink my plebian ass into the nubby butt donut I got at JC Pennehh, lamenting the blatant lack of couture frou-frou in my life until I remind myself to check that tacky noise at the door!! Pettiness is for soap opera teenagers and Courtney Love.

We may still be mired in a recession but it’s kind of cool to be broke as all hell right now- DIY is celebrated these days and we live in a time where cheap creative fuqs can sustain a bountiful Klout score because their ideas go viral like Swine flu. As long as we throw in a bit of wit and inventiveness for good measure, the Internet will still be Hellogiggling all the livelong day at our DIY ombre food stamps or whatever. THIS IS OUR MOMENT GUYS OH HAY. Wish I could have this moment 4 life. 4 life. 4 life.

One of my fave things to do is adopt popular trends and bastardize them into a wallet-friendly designs of my own. Lately I’ve been aching to incorporate more studs and spikes into my life, so seeing them on every runway and in magazines and on every cool girl ever has quickly whipped my resolve into a stiff peak. This shit is happening, and since I don’t have a hole in my tongue or an eager tunnel in my septum, these spikes are going on my clothes and accessories.

A spiked headband in particular seems like it would be a great piece to mark my transition into a world of surgical steel and antisocial Bowser heels!! This is a super simple DIY. ONWARD:

1. Order spikes: For the love of GAWD, get them online. I trolled Downtown LA and every bead store both sides of the 405 and I swear to all that is holy someone is hiding these in real life. And they are hiding them in the online stores.

2. Buy a headband for your dainty grapefruit head: and get some superglue while you’re at it.

3. Glue spikes to headband: I noticed that the tiny teeth on the inside of the headband were divided in perfect intervals for spacing out the spikes. So that worked out for me. I used 9 spikes total.

Do you see that crumpled Coachella wristband from 2011 up there? I straight up found it while looking for a measuring tape. I think I saved it for “crafting”, which deeply depresses me. Never let go!!!!

ALL DONE:

Wait, this looks familiar:

Lady Liberty doth hath me beat! I wish my headband came with an observation deck from which you could better view the zit on my forehead.

I tried to look cool for once, and then my left sclera had to cockblock me:

This headband does make me feel fierce and fresh-as-fuq. HEY, maybe I can be a fashion blog princess one day too! I can already feel the disco stick edging its way up my a$$!

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DIY Hunger Games Seneca Crane Beard Necklace

Posted on May 8, 2012 by Jacquie

HOLA, CHOLA. Have you seen this moustache necklace phenomenon? Also, I apologize for the above. I should call this the “Vagina Apprecation Necklace” because it makes me so happy I wasn’t born a boy. If I had a pelt on my face like this I would be the creepiest bro, brah.

I realized that the ironic moustache necklace trend is not dying anytime soon, so I thought we’d take this face peacocking to the next level with full blown beard necklaces. I wanted to dive ‘stache first into a Yosemite Sam full face ginger beard, but quickly remembered that Seneca Crane from The Hunger Games has the dopest face fuzz right now. Look at this jam- WHUT in tarnation is the Norelco wizardry at play here?

Seneca has a pretty clutch job, considering he came a long way from being the creepy camcorder kid from American Beauty. It seems like all you have to do to be him is rock this stylized five o’clock shadow, parachute Bengay to injured bitches in the forest, and sometimes chillax with Donald Sutherland in a topiary garden. Let’s do this. Let’s be him, minus the death-by-forest-berry part.

The instructions will be super simple for you to follow if you were ever like, a toddler with budding motor skills and such:

1. Hunt and gather supplies: For the surface of the beard, find some scrap pleather at your local fabric store or neighborhood gypsy family. You also need a bolt of stiff felt, chain, 2 jump rings, and Seneca’s beard template

2. Trace stencil onto fabric and cut pleather and felt together

3. Hot glue felt and pleather together: press down as the glue dries. Don’t forget the edges!

3. Work those jump rings into the mix and attach chain. You can choose any length you want- I like most of my necklaces to graze some tittage but that’s just me. DO YOU.

DONESIES

The necklace actually looks pretty architectural and cool when worn normally. This will all change soon.

When I model the Seneca beard necklace I always make sure I have my hipster Gamemaker shirt on. I only bring back my anal retentive Navajo soft-butch look for special occasions:

I know. This beard makes my subtle Kardashian resemblance that much more real for you. “Hai, my name is Klonopin Kardashian EL OH EL”

What is it about this necklace that make my smize look so rapey?

I love this piece, although my anxious rubber face still has to get used to it. I’ve almost eaten my soul patch twice.

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PEEP MY SHIT: Sequined Airplane Blanket

Posted on May 4, 2012 by Jacquie

I love airplane blankets. I don’t have Travoltian levels of aerophilia, but I do like to crack open a fresh plastic pouch to find an uncontaminated spread of fleece within. Back when I was shuttling to and fro from the east coast during my college dayz, I would often leave flights to later discover an airplane blanket clinging to the static dynamo that is my a$$. And so a collection blossomed.

I’ve been doing some intensive closet purging for my bi-yearly “I accidentally watched the domestic rat Hoarders episode again” ritual. I dug up this article from last year, all crumpled and forgotten in the detritus–it’s an unfinished airplane blanket that I had started to feverishly garnish with sewn sequins but then quickly abandoned. Sorry! It was taking up all my hours after work and getting really clingy. Then it cried after sex once and I was like queen, PLEASE, we’ve been doing this for like FOUR DAYS.

Sewing is the shrunken, shriveled kumquat in the garden of my life skills. It’s not an ideal hobby for me because I have no patience to have patience. However I do like the shiny scissors and aura of archetypal femalehood that seem to be involved with stitching….it gets my clumsy fingers humming just thinking about it. So this airplane blanket has been resurrected. I’ve been aching to poke something, so we’ll see if my bumbling claws can get the job done.

It’s supposed to say “I Stole This”

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DIY Animal Butt Magnets

Posted on May 2, 2012 by Jacquie

Fake animals are the bomb.com/cheap, and they’re GREAT raw material for crafts. Crafting is therapeutic- it definitely lulls the hamster wheels whirring within my brain, plus it helps cork the emotional hole that a real life animal would fill anyway!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve thought about getting an adorable pet so that my heart doesn’t harden into a stiff granite pump as quickly as it would otherwise, but these plastic critters will have to do for now. I heart animals but it’s just not the right time in my life for me to adopt 14 new puppies from Africa or whatever is in fashion with celebrities these days. But I know I would be a great baby mama to a dog because the pooches I usually dig are about the size of most burritos I’m known to give A LOT of love to. I’d also love to get a massive linebacker-sized canine that doesn’t make me look fat, obviously, but I’m afraid my lungs are not robust enough to combat the dander blasts from those Beethoven types. Big short-hair mutts are dope too, but those dogs always seem to be rockin’ huge dangly balls as a statement piece. What’s up with that? That low hanging fruit is maaaad distracting. Sorry, but I just can’t afford to be upstaged by a Scooby Doo’s flopping manhood at this point in my career so a dog will have to wait. Don’t H8, queen!!!!!

When I decided to make these magnets I galloped to the craft store (looking much like a plastic antelope, coincidentally), and found a whole gleaming section of tiny toy animals- all types of colorful creatures were arranged in inviting translucent tubes. But guess what? There was a rando lady grabbing the last tube of these wild animals right when I got there. The fuq? I was crushed. Trounced. Irked. It felt like a craft marauder was carelessly spelunking in my soul. I stood there wondering if anyone had ever glue gun pistol-whipped a bitch in the Michaels kiddie craft aisle (no one would see!) just as she snatched up a tub of sea creatures. THANK GOURD. While I do love me a good synthetic manatee, I was pretty stoked about what I managed to hunt and gather for myself. HARK! Can you hear the Jumanji drums in the distance? FYI if you’re looking to marry me, this is my fat-ass dowry: