Category Archives: Holiday

HOW TO: DRAGON EGG EASTER EGGS

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The Game of Thrones Season 3 premiere is coming up this Easter, totally upstaging the Easter bunny and all his absurd marshmallow regalia. This calendar alignment can only mean one thing: we are like, MEANT to make dragon egg Easter eggs. “WHERE ARE MY DRAGUNZ??” you ask. -Incubating in my doooope easter basket this year.

I love Khaleesi, even though she developed a bit of a bossy ‘tude after stepping into her power in the 2nd season. I love her in the early first season where she was just a whisper of the boss biatch she would later become, even though she still cried during sex. She digs hot guys who aren’t afraid to wear eyeliner or toss her liquefied gold cookware onto rapey sibling bullies AND clearly abides by my main sartorial guiding philosophy: “Long-hair-don’t care.” There is fire in her bosoms and dragons in her basket!

Khaleesi’s had it hard this year- she’s a wayward princess trapped in a mythical wasteland, wobbling on the unforgiving stiletto that is life. It could be worse. She could be in LA, the land of calcified dreams- stuck with her friend-zoned Van Gogh lookalike as a widowed single mom raising a trio of meddlesome dragon babies sans fire insurance.

I didn’t read the books. Are Khaleesi and her lizards gonna charbroil Westeros? The dragons are totally gonna start puberty in the next season, aren’t they? Shit’s gonna get sooo angsty! Don’t spoil it for me! Wish I could punt my obsessive curiosity across the English Channel until the season finally begins, but I’ll just have to adopt some eunuch patience and acceptance and wait it out.

OMG AND WATCH MY HOW TO VIDEO DUH:

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How to Make the Laziest Terrarium Ever

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These are pretty much the most piece of shit winter terrariums in like the history of ever. But at least I didn’t use real dirt, right?? Is it just me or does anyone else get a little skeezed out by real terrariums that have like a pound of clumpy sod on the bottom?  I’m not too keen on bringing any unneeded dirt into my apartment because my feet sweep enough loose debris into this place after losing my shoes at the gay bars every weekend, thankyouverymuch HAY GURL HAY.

Yeah, these terrariums showcase snow, tiny gingerbread men, and a bunch of other festive holiday objects. I know that Christmas is like, soooo last week, but just hear me out. The only thing that I think is weirder than Christmas is the fact that we all forget about it the next day.  The fuq?  If we’re going to have a holiday where we celebrate the birth of a magical baby in a Bethlehem mule trough, then I wanna ride this crazy train until it’s the time of year when LA stops pretending to be winter.

The directions for this terrarium are really simple but I’ll walk you through them if it will make you love me more and overlook all my flaws that you’ll inevitably discover more and more as we deepen our online relationship.

First I dug up some sparkly winter decor.  Luckily my Christmas morning M.O. is pawing through frowzy heaps of rejected tinsel while all the iSnobs around me are busy with what Santa shat under the tree for them that year.  I supplemented the tiny ornaments and sparkly fake snow below with some pimp dinosaurs from the 99 cent store that I had hoarded in the back of my closet like a rodent gearing up for winter.

Then I busted out the wine glasses. Terrariums usually don’t have a stem, but I think they make the whole project look hella jaunty and regal as fuq.

I gently laid the sparkle pubes inside glasses then added the ornaments and dinos. That’s it!  My OCD Windexed the outside of the glasses as a final step but that’s optional if you’re already feelin’ fresh.

Creepin, like I do.

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Lady Gaga Cupcakes

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God took Adam’s rib and made it into Eve. That is why women are DELICIOUS.

Lady Gaga is the gay community’s prize winning tomato. And I want a piece. I mean clearly we are cut from the same glittery cloth. How else would I be able to transition so seamlessly from my standard “anal-retentive-Navajo-soft-butch” look on the left into my silent cry for attention on the right?

Like everyone else who gives a yuletide damn, I’ve been girding my loins for the Xmas/Festivus holiday that is quickly approaching us like a steady, heaving choo-choo train.  It’s hard to even deal with all this frantic holiday energy swirling all around us without eating our faces off. Only me?  Once I ate an entire gingerbread condo, and I’ve been known to use a yulelog as a battering ram for my face. ‘Tis the season for finding out if you’re allergic to a 2 lb. marzipan pig the hard way. 

On top of all this, I’ve been emotional and moody and super into watching thousands of Degrassi reruns again. Holiday stresses are mostly to blame, plus puberty is whack! These cupcakes are a perfect mental salve for the churning holiday dramaz around us.

I heart Gaga pretty hard, so it’s not a surprise that I have a mental image of all of her past outfits sequestered in the brothel of my mind.  These cupcakes borrow motifs and drag queen energy from this hat she wore to the 2009 VMAS:

Instructions are pretty simple for this project: make cupcakes however you’d like. Get creative, it’s good for the world. You wanna throw in some funfetti? Toss it in the cauldron, natch!

Frost the cupcakes then print this image of Gaga out and chop out her face. Press into the middle of each cupcake and cover the surrounding area with coconut shavings. DONE. See? Super fácil, plus I only ended up with one cupcake that looked like a baroque troll.

Comparison! Cupcakes v. IRL Gaga. I’m glad my iPhone sometimes decides to take pics that look like they’re from 1973:

WHATTUP, TASTYFACE.

Baby they wuz Born this Way:

Whatever you’re celebrating, have a very Merry one this year!

And don’t forget to leave the milk and Lipitor out for Santa. <3

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