HOW TO: DRAGON EGG EASTER EGGS

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Jacquie

The Game of Thrones Season 3 premiere is coming up this Easter, totally upstaging the Easter bunny and all his absurd marshmallow regalia. This calendar alignment can only mean one thing: we are like, MEANT to make dragon egg Easter eggs. “WHERE ARE MY DRAGUNZ??” you ask. -Incubating in my doooope easter basket this year.

I love Khaleesi, even though she developed a bit of a bossy ‘tude after stepping into her power in the 2^ndseason. I love her in the early first season where she was just a whisper of the boss biatch she would later become, even though she still cried during sex. She digs hot guys who aren’t afraid to wear eyeliner or toss her liquefied gold cookware onto rapey sibling bullies AND clearly abides by my main sartorial guiding philosophy: “Long-hair-don’t care.” There is fire in her bosoms and dragons in her basket!

Khaleesi’s had it hard this year- she’s a wayward princess trapped in a mythical wasteland, wobbling on the unforgiving stiletto that is life. It could be worse. She could be in LA, the land of calcified dreams- stuck with her friend-zoned Van Gogh lookalike as a widowed single mom raising a trio of meddlesome dragon babies sans fire insurance.

I didn’t read the books. Are Khaleesi and her lizards gonna charbroil Westeros? The dragons are totally gonna start puberty in the next season, aren’t they? Shit’s gonna get sooo angsty! Don’t spoil it for me! Wish I could punt my obsessive curiosity across the English Channel until the season finally begins, but I’ll just have to adopt some eunuch patience and acceptance and wait it out.

OMG AND WATCH MY HOW TO VIDEO DUH:

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50 Shades of Grey DIY Wall Hanging

Posted on June 5, 2012 by Jacquie

It was only a matter of time before the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon dominated the craft world, ahem. This DIY wall hanging is made of exactly 50 different shades of grey (multiples of each were used, thankyouverymuch. Multiples are also something this craft has in common with the book that inspired it, OH SNAP!).

*why do cameras make carpet looks soooo “Craigslist”??

The entire piece is made of paint samples you can get for free at any paint or hardware store. They may be free, but everything comes at a price, yo. I was pocketing these things in deck-of-cards handfuls in front of more modest patrons and it was embarrassing. I’m pretty ballsy by nature, but I honestly would rather buy out CVS’ entire supply of vagisil in front of 50 leering Ryan Goslings than pilfer Orchard Supply’s muted grey suicide watch tones in bulk again. I felt guilty because everyone else in the paint section was clearly sampling hues for projects that probably involved electric sanders, knowledge of LA zoning laws, and at least 1 mexican woodsmith. At least I have enough of these samples leftover to mod-podge a pirate ship, so maybe a project with more utility is in my future. Thar she blows!

All you need to create this hanging on your own is a large foam board and some thumbtacks. Arrange the paint samples in rows, starting from the bottom and working your way up until you achieve a beautiful ombre design. GIGGITY!!!

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PIXEL MOUSE EARRINGS

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Jacquie

Ya dig????

I made these and then realized that my earring holes have closed up again. UGH! Who wants to come over and fix them with me tonight? We can pretend I’m an ear virgin and have a slumber party whilst we pierce me like a Mexican 2 month old at Claire’s. We need some vodka, a potato, and a butter knife! Should we Ustream it? DM me.

[GUFFAWWW]

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DIY Spiked Bowser Headband

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Jacquie

HALLO THURR.

Do you read fashion blogs? I do. I love them because I am a girly girl with a computer machine and a frickin clue. I really enjoy watching blog fashion princesses prancing around fancy places like New York and Milan and not-the-Midwest looking like tall glasses of skim milk in Louboutins. But not gonna lie, those blogs with their pretty girls and their laces and thin metallic leather goods can make me a little jealy. Sometimes I unspool the FASHUNN section of my Google Reader and I’m all “I want expensive tranny heels like her! Why do that bitch’s jaundiced toes get all the fun?” Then I sink my plebian ass into the nubby butt donut I got at JC Pennehh, lamenting the blatant lack of couture frou-frou in my life until I remind myself to check that tacky noise at the door!! Pettiness is for soap opera teenagers and Courtney Love.

We may still be mired in a recession but it’s kind of cool to be broke as all hell right now- DIY is celebrated these days and we live in a time where cheap creative fuqs can sustain a bountiful Klout score because their ideas go viral like Swine flu. As long as we throw in a bit of wit and inventiveness for good measure, the Internet will still be Hellogiggling all the livelong day at our DIY ombre food stamps or whatever. THIS IS OUR MOMENT GUYS OH HAY. Wish I could have this moment 4 life. 4 life. 4 life.

One of my fave things to do is adopt popular trends and bastardize them into a wallet-friendly designs of my own. Lately I’ve been aching to incorporate more studs and spikes into my life, so seeing them on every runway and in magazines and on every cool girl ever has quickly whipped my resolve into a stiff peak. This shit is happening, and since I don’t have a hole in my tongue or an eager tunnel in my septum, these spikes are going on my clothes and accessories.

A spiked headband in particular seems like it would be a great piece to mark my transition into a world of surgical steel and antisocial Bowser heels!! This is a super simple DIY. ONWARD:

1. Order spikes: For the love of GAWD, get them online. I trolled Downtown LA and every bead store both sides of the 405 and I swear to all that is holy someone is hiding these in real life. And they are hiding them in the online stores.

2. Buy a headband for your dainty grapefruit head: and get some superglue while you’re at it.

3. Glue spikes to headband: I noticed that the tiny teeth on the inside of the headband were divided in perfect intervals for spacing out the spikes. So that worked out for me. I used 9 spikes total.

Do you see that crumpled Coachella wristband from 2011 up there? I straight up found it while looking for a measuring tape. I think I saved it for “crafting”, which deeply depresses me. Never let go!!!!

ALL DONE:

Wait, this looks familiar:

Lady Liberty doth hath me beat! I wish my headband came with an observation deck from which you could better view the zit on my forehead.

I tried to look cool for once, and then my left sclera had to cockblock me:

This headband does make me feel fierce and fresh-as-fuq. HEY, maybe I can be a fashion blog princess one day too! I can already feel the disco stick edging its way up my a$$!

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DIY Hunger Games Seneca Crane Beard Necklace

Posted on May 8, 2012 by Jacquie

HOLA, CHOLA. Have you seen this moustache necklace phenomenon? Also, I apologize for the above. I should call this the “Vagina Apprecation Necklace” because it makes me so happy I wasn’t born a boy. If I had a pelt on my face like this I would be the creepiest bro, brah.

I realized that the ironic moustache necklace trend is not dying anytime soon, so I thought we’d take this face peacocking to the next level with full blown beard necklaces. I wanted to dive ‘stache first into a Yosemite Sam full face ginger beard, but quickly remembered that Seneca Crane from The Hunger Games has the dopest face fuzz right now. Look at this jam- WHUT in tarnation is the Norelco wizardry at play here?

Seneca has a pretty clutch job, considering he came a long way from being the creepy camcorder kid from American Beauty. It seems like all you have to do to be him is rock this stylized five o’clock shadow, parachute Bengay to injured bitches in the forest, and sometimes chillax with Donald Sutherland in a topiary garden. Let’s do this. Let’s be him, minus the death-by-forest-berry part.

The instructions will be super simple for you to follow if you were ever like, a toddler with budding motor skills and such:

1. Hunt and gather supplies: For the surface of the beard, find some scrap pleather at your local fabric store or neighborhood gypsy family. You also need a bolt of stiff felt, chain, 2 jump rings, and Seneca’s beard template

2. Trace stencil onto fabric and cut pleather and felt together

3. Hot glue felt and pleather together: press down as the glue dries. Don’t forget the edges!

3. Work those jump rings into the mix and attach chain. You can choose any length you want- I like most of my necklaces to graze some tittage but that’s just me. DO YOU.

DONESIES

The necklace actually looks pretty architectural and cool when worn normally. This will all change soon.

When I model the Seneca beard necklace I always make sure I have my hipster Gamemaker shirt on. I only bring back my anal retentive Navajo soft-butch look for special occasions:

I know. This beard makes my subtle Kardashian resemblance that much more real for you. “Hai, my name is Klonopin Kardashian EL OH EL”

What is it about this necklace that make my smize look so rapey?

I love this piece, although my anxious rubber face still has to get used to it. I’ve almost eaten my soul patch twice.

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PEEP MY SHIT: Sequined Airplane Blanket

Posted on May 4, 2012 by Jacquie

I love airplane blankets. I don’t have Travoltian levels of aerophilia, but I do like to crack open a fresh plastic pouch to find an uncontaminated spread of fleece within. Back when I was shuttling to and fro from the east coast during my college dayz, I would often leave flights to later discover an airplane blanket clinging to the static dynamo that is my a$$. And so a collection blossomed.

I’ve been doing some intensive closet purging for my bi-yearly “I accidentally watched the domestic rat Hoarders episode again” ritual. I dug up this article from last year, all crumpled and forgotten in the detritus–it’s an unfinished airplane blanket that I had started to feverishly garnish with sewn sequins but then quickly abandoned. Sorry! It was taking up all my hours after work and getting really clingy. Then it cried after sex once and I was like queen, PLEASE, we’ve been doing this for like FOUR DAYS.

Sewing is the shrunken, shriveled kumquat in the garden of my life skills. It’s not an ideal hobby for me because I have no patience to have patience. However I do like the shiny scissors and aura of archetypal femalehood that seem to be involved with stitching….it gets my clumsy fingers humming just thinking about it. So this airplane blanket has been resurrected. I’ve been aching to poke something, so we’ll see if my bumbling claws can get the job done.

It’s supposed to say “I Stole This”

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DIY Animal Butt Magnets

Posted on May 2, 2012 by Jacquie

Fake animals are the bomb.com/cheap, and they’re GREAT raw material for crafts. Crafting is therapeutic- it definitely lulls the hamster wheels whirring within my brain, plus it helps cork the emotional hole that a real life animal would fill anyway!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve thought about getting an adorable pet so that my heart doesn’t harden into a stiff granite pump as quickly as it would otherwise, but these plastic critters will have to do for now. I heart animals but it’s just not the right time in my life for me to adopt 14 new puppies from Africa or whatever is in fashion with celebrities these days. But I know I would be a great baby mama to a dog because the pooches I usually dig are about the size of most burritos I’m known to give A LOT of love to. I’d also love to get a massive linebacker-sized canine that doesn’t make me look fat, obviously, but I’m afraid my lungs are not robust enough to combat the dander blasts from those Beethoven types. Big short-hair mutts are dope too, but those dogs always seem to be rockin’ huge dangly balls as a statement piece. What’s up with that? That low hanging fruit is maaaad distracting. Sorry, but I just can’t afford to be upstaged by a Scooby Doo’s flopping manhood at this point in my career so a dog will have to wait. Don’t H8, queen!!!!!

When I decided to make these magnets I galloped to the craft store (looking much like a plastic antelope, coincidentally), and found a whole gleaming section of tiny toy animals- all types of colorful creatures were arranged in inviting translucent tubes. But guess what? There was a rando lady grabbing the last tube of these wild animals right when I got there. The fuq? I was crushed. Trounced. Irked. It felt like a craft marauder was carelessly spelunking in my soul. I stood there wondering if anyone had ever glue gun pistol-whipped a bitch in the Michaels kiddie craft aisle (no one would see!) just as she snatched up a tub of sea creatures. THANK GOURD. While I do love me a good synthetic manatee, I was pretty stoked about what I managed to hunt and gather for myself. HARK! Can you hear the Jumanji drums in the distance? FYI if you’re looking to marry me, this is my fat-ass dowry:

To create your own easy butts o’plastic, you will need several toy animals, an Xacto knife, small magnets, and ye olde glue gun:

1. Cut animals in half- This is what the Xacto knife is for – I found the process akin to cutting many firm artisanal cheeses.

All done. Check out my wild orchestra of cool:

“I got 99 problems, and they all bitches.”

2. Glue magnets to animal halves and let dry: I started with the reptile because I love me some nice gator bedonk.

I didn’t want the other halves of the animals to feel left out so I glued them too. ALL DONE!

I once heard that the elephant symbolizes the grounding butthole chakra so how fucking perfect is this? Gosh my shit is deep.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this super easy, very Pinteresting craft. I love repurposing cheap plastic and giving it some utility. Makes me pheel phat.

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Pantone Chip Nails

Posted on April 29, 2012 by Jacquie

Ay carumba, Internets! BEHOLD my primitive creation: Pantone Chip Acrylic Nails. Whattup, color-cockblocking:

I didn’t realize my index finger was such a clunker. It’s probably so buff from always pushing “Yes” on the button to life.

Before you cast the first stone, please know that I am aware these are not 18-3943. Okay. Now you can cast the first stone.

I’ve resisted getting my nails did for a long time – like the length of at least 2.5 Kim Kardashian marriages. I know! I’m just not too cray cray about girly girl stuff that seems to get everyone else’s undies in a bunch. I’m very “meh” about those things, which is completely at odds with the fact that I am my own drag personality. Yes, I wear makeup, but I feel that there’s an inherent masculinity in my technique of smearing that sparkle gel warpaint on my lids every day. WHATEVAR. I wear the shit outta makeup but still use a spork to brush the straw-like fringe that sprouts from my head.

So you can just guess who was gobsmacked (me) when I got the sudden urge the other day to spackle my nailbeds with acrylic and turn my hands into a beautiful full blown double rainbow. Maybe I’m growing a more refined sense of vanity and morphing into a real girl. Finally!

They needed to look boss as fuq so I settled on a design that was a pretty duhhh choice to my obviously super refined and design-oriented mind–the Pantone color chip. The Internet loves to get jiggy with this jam:

This was a nitty gritty DIY–partly to temper my control issues and mostly cuz I didn’t want to fork $100 of my monthly candy fund over to an aesthetician who would do a much better job. I invite you to join me below in my Pantone Chip Acrylic Nail DIY tutorial. Don’t be scared! It’ll put some hair on your chest (maybe literally, if you purchased your acrylic in #Koreatown like me. Yee yee!).

1. Gather supplies: Nail polish of your choice, tacky French Manicure tips, Acrylic Nail Dip Kit, and clear shiny labels (I used the labels nestled within the Avery “Clear Label Index Maker Pocket Dividers”). You might want to add a breathing mask to the mix here- In hindsight I realize I shoulda probably worn one of those SARS masks while maneuvering the nail superglue because I’m a sensitive bubble girl asthmatic type and I wheeze like Vader when exposed to chemicals.

2. Apply acrylics by watching the masters: This was my first time doing acrylic nails so I hit up the Youtubes for assistance and did what they told me. It’s so cool how we basically have the world at our fingertips because of modern technology. It’s even cooler how we can literally look up how to make it hard to use those fingertips at a computer because this is what the acrylics do to your nails at first:

Check out my inviting claws of passion. So dope. It’s like a day in the life of one of those Guinness world record holders. They would never be able to achieve this Pantone chip nail look! We should feel lucky.

3. Cover tips with tape: I am jittery like a tiny chihuahua, so this next step really helped me paint my nails with aplomb. Grab some Scotch tape and cover the white tips of each nail cuz shit’s gonna git painted.

4. Paint Nails: If you don’t know how to do this, go back in time to 2nd grade and use your lunch money to buy a clue.

Don’t forget to touch up any misshaps with a Q-Tip and some nail polish remover!!!! Keep it fresh.

5. Remove tape and let dry.

6. Print the Pantone branding onto the labels, cut to match the size of the tips, and apply to nails: I don’t have the elusive Pantone font, so I cropped the clearest image of a Pantone chip that I could find in a Google search, shrunk it, and dropped that into each label and printed it out. I then attached that to each nail after I cut it to size.

THIS IS CHEATING. Every Pantone color has a different corresponding number on the chip. I used 18-3943s for every nail and it works for me because I live on the Internet and don’t have much human contact or opportunities for people to care- It’s usually just me in my digital ivory tower, pickin lint outta my ass. But some of you are sexy designer types, and pairing each nail color with the correct number pretty much ensures your survival for at least one more day in the wild. Do the right thing.

Look at all the wisdom in my thumb:

7. Finish the look with a couple of coats of clear top coat: and we’re DONE!

8. Instagram that dope shit: Duh.

These nails are the illest. I want them to take me to a disco and twirl me and dip me and make me their woman!

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Tampon Wreath

Posted on January 3, 2012 by Jacquie

Yeah, I made a wreath out of tampons. What? It’s no secret I have a vajay and this shit’s fertile as fuq.

Females: I embarked on a voyage to the Costco tampon aisle and now feebly offer you this boon. This is the perfect, reusable wreath for a gurgling latrine. Plus, there’s some utility to this kaleidoscopic candy-colored display of vagina plugs: hang the wreath in the privy. When the Curse is upon you and you need to ride the cotton pony, pull a tampon from this bad boy, cork your hoo-ha, and replenish the empty spots in the wreath when Shark Week* is over.

*there’s blood in the water.

Swelling menstrual pangs can easily turn a gentle damsel with the personality of an Ugg boot into Bi-polsie gorgon. Or am I alone here? On any given day my vagina has the baseline personality of the white angry bird OR that grumpy sand dune tiger from the beginning of Aladdin. A monthly surge of progesterone and detoriating uterine lining leaves me bristled like an angry wombat. What bullshittery! If we have to use cotton twat spiggots every month, then we should at least do it with style and ease. The dearth of innovation in modern feminine products leaves my sunken heart feeling like mangled licorice shoelace. When I came up with a humble solution in the form of this tampon wreath, I was on it like Katy Perry on a giant layer cake.

If you would like to replicate this tampon wreath, acquire a wire wreath form and a bunch of tampons. I emptied my pockets and found this treasure trove, naturally:

Then I just dabbed a tiny bit of hot glue on each tampon to hold it in place, and inserted it into the wire frame. I made the wreath large and majestic to match my ego, but a more dainty, portable wreath can look hawt and sophisticated if you’re into cultivating those kinds of qualities in your life. Wreath forms come in all shapes and sizes, just like vajays.

I decorated the wreath with this purple flower with sparkles that match that metallic gleam in my eye that emerges when I gush about Princess Leia headphone sales:

This wreath is aching for some further embellishment. Sequins shaped like cramp-obliterating percocets? I wish. OMG SHOULD I PUT A BIRD ON IT??? Decorative ones, like the one Kevin gives the emo pigeon lady in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York?? Hmm.

Love yalls something FIERCE. Tell me your favorite tampon story in the comments, yee yee!

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Vegetable Bouquet

Posted on January 1, 2012 by Jacquie

Wattup, my saucy little cufflinks.

The veggies are organic, but this smile is 1000% Starbucks Morning Roast! Giggity giggity goo!

Not too long ago I was at home sick sitting in my underwear and browsing the internets, all lit up on Dayquil and the adrenaline of big Hollweird dreamin’. I dunno about you but there is something about internet people that gets my creativity flowing like wine cooler at my cousin’s Quincañera. So it’s no surprise that pretty soon the muses started screaming at me to make a present for my favorite internet person—the illustrious vegan tit throb, Hi I’m Rawn.

Every girl needs a handsome crunchy vegan in her life. Being around someone like that has the ability to toss human fruit rollups like me straight into ketosis, and bolster our health motivation until it grows like a majestic beanstalk. I’ll admit that I’m not quite the model of health—my standard lunch is half a Swedish fish and a tablespoon of gasoline, plus I haven’t hit the gym since the Power Rangers were in style (It’s hard to choose a gym when there are so many options! And what is this abhorrent Curves I hear of? Queen, PLEASE! Curves is the tampon of gyms).

There are a lot of things I’d like in this crisp new year, and wanting to want to be healthy is right next to my desire to develop the ability to fart in straight up dub step. This organic vegetable bouquet I made for Mr. Rawn is a bit of a testament to these craven, embryonic resolutions. Here’s to a fresh new year, bitches!

If you feel moved to duplicate this bouquet, first ransack your local produce section or farmer’s market like a hungry, foaming quadruped. Gather many long and fluffy leafy greens: vegetables that look like they basically invented photosynthesis will look best, from an aesthetic standpoint. I used dandelion greens, chard, 2 stalks of leeks, collard greens, a bunch of carrots, rhubarb, golden beets, parsley, Russian kale, purple kale, and a long stalk of brussel sprouts. Wrap all that fluffy green shit up in floral plastic and then hire a freelance dry waller/delivery boy from Craigslist at the last minute on New Year’s Eve to drop it off on your recipient’s doorstep in exchange for an undisclosed amount of crumpled dollah billz and some designer hair pomade. Wait, what?