50 Shades of Grey DIY Wall Hanging

Posted on June 5, 2012 by Jacquie

It was only a matter of time before the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon dominated the craft world, ahem. This DIY wall hanging is made of exactly 50 different shades of grey (multiples of each were used, thankyouverymuch. Multiples are also something this craft has in common with the book that inspired it, OH SNAP!).

*why do cameras make carpet looks soooo “Craigslist”??

The entire piece is made of paint samples you can get for free at any paint or hardware store. They may be free, but everything comes at a price, yo. I was pocketing these things in deck-of-cards handfuls in front of more modest patrons and it was embarrassing. I’m pretty ballsy by nature, but I honestly would rather buy out CVS’ entire supply of vagisil in front of 50 leering Ryan Goslings than pilfer Orchard Supply’s muted grey suicide watch tones in bulk again. I felt guilty because everyone else in the paint section was clearly sampling hues for projects that probably involved electric sanders, knowledge of LA zoning laws, and at least 1 mexican woodsmith. At least I have enough of these samples leftover to mod-podge a pirate ship, so maybe a project with more utility is in my future. Thar she blows!

All you need to create this hanging on your own is a large foam board and some thumbtacks. Arrange the paint samples in rows, starting from the bottom and working your way up until you achieve a beautiful ombre design. GIGGITY!!!

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PEEP MY SHIT: Sequined Airplane Blanket

Posted on May 4, 2012 by Jacquie

I love airplane blankets. I don’t have Travoltian levels of aerophilia, but I do like to crack open a fresh plastic pouch to find an uncontaminated spread of fleece within. Back when I was shuttling to and fro from the east coast during my college dayz, I would often leave flights to later discover an airplane blanket clinging to the static dynamo that is my a$$. And so a collection blossomed.

I’ve been doing some intensive closet purging for my bi-yearly “I accidentally watched the domestic rat Hoarders episode again” ritual. I dug up this article from last year, all crumpled and forgotten in the detritus–it’s an unfinished airplane blanket that I had started to feverishly garnish with sewn sequins but then quickly abandoned. Sorry! It was taking up all my hours after work and getting really clingy. Then it cried after sex once and I was like queen, PLEASE, we’ve been doing this for like FOUR DAYS.

Sewing is the shrunken, shriveled kumquat in the garden of my life skills. It’s not an ideal hobby for me because I have no patience to have patience. However I do like the shiny scissors and aura of archetypal femalehood that seem to be involved with stitching….it gets my clumsy fingers humming just thinking about it. So this airplane blanket has been resurrected. I’ve been aching to poke something, so we’ll see if my bumbling claws can get the job done.

It’s supposed to say “I Stole This”

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DIY Animal Butt Magnets

Posted on May 2, 2012 by Jacquie

Fake animals are the bomb.com/cheap, and they’re GREAT raw material for crafts. Crafting is therapeutic- it definitely lulls the hamster wheels whirring within my brain, plus it helps cork the emotional hole that a real life animal would fill anyway!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve thought about getting an adorable pet so that my heart doesn’t harden into a stiff granite pump as quickly as it would otherwise, but these plastic critters will have to do for now. I heart animals but it’s just not the right time in my life for me to adopt 14 new puppies from Africa or whatever is in fashion with celebrities these days. But I know I would be a great baby mama to a dog because the pooches I usually dig are about the size of most burritos I’m known to give A LOT of love to. I’d also love to get a massive linebacker-sized canine that doesn’t make me look fat, obviously, but I’m afraid my lungs are not robust enough to combat the dander blasts from those Beethoven types. Big short-hair mutts are dope too, but those dogs always seem to be rockin’ huge dangly balls as a statement piece. What’s up with that? That low hanging fruit is maaaad distracting. Sorry, but I just can’t afford to be upstaged by a Scooby Doo’s flopping manhood at this point in my career so a dog will have to wait. Don’t H8, queen!!!!!

When I decided to make these magnets I galloped to the craft store (looking much like a plastic antelope, coincidentally), and found a whole gleaming section of tiny toy animals- all types of colorful creatures were arranged in inviting translucent tubes. But guess what? There was a rando lady grabbing the last tube of these wild animals right when I got there. The fuq? I was crushed. Trounced. Irked. It felt like a craft marauder was carelessly spelunking in my soul. I stood there wondering if anyone had ever glue gun pistol-whipped a bitch in the Michaels kiddie craft aisle (no one would see!) just as she snatched up a tub of sea creatures. THANK GOURD. While I do love me a good synthetic manatee, I was pretty stoked about what I managed to hunt and gather for myself. HARK! Can you hear the Jumanji drums in the distance? FYI if you’re looking to marry me, this is my fat-ass dowry: