In honor of the most rapey of holidays, I’ve put together some important Valentine’s Day essentials. This is a bit of a starter kit for all y’alls who wanna get jiggy with Eros tonight. Have fun practicing making babies, y’alls!
t’s February, which means we’ll all be pulling Cupid’s arrows out of our butthole chakras for the next week (or wherever those things land) leading up to Valentine’s Day. Even if you’re not already wifed-out with some lovesick rat fink, I’m sure you can find someone to sink your love fangs into next Tuesday. No? Do you have friends you love? What about exes you used to love? I don’t know about you, but I’m friendly with all of my exes, even my non-imaginary ones.
Sorry to ask so many questions but I just want to make sure you have someone in your life to give my Valentine’s Day craft to. You can’t see what it is yet because my imposing NBA basketball player-sized hand is in the way right here:
STOOPID REFLECTIONS IN THE GLASS RUININ MAH PHOTOGRAPHAY
This is better. Ta-da:
You’re probably wondering why the actual hell I put an image of a sweatered teen in a silver frame and call it a Valentine’s Day present. Did you ever see the movie Home Alone? Not that anyone gives a warm fuq, but John Hughes movies were my childhood jam, boy. I loved them for their creativity and surprise cameos of a bloodshot Charlie Sheen. This frame is a mad deep cut reference to the scene where Kevin’s pillaging Buzz’s trunk o’fun in Home Alone and finds this picture of his brother’s girlfrond:
“Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF.”
“Woof,” indeed. Fun fact: the director didn’t want an innocent female child actor to be emotionally crippled by this boorish moment, so he put a wig on a boy instead and called it Buzz’s lady friend. Class act, Hughes.
This is a very easy craft to make. Print out this image on photo paper and stick in a frame then EL OH EL forevsies.
Portrait of Madonna and Child:
I get really territorial over my crafts. Giving this frame away is going to feel like my baby has been ripped out of my creative womb. Blast! You know what I want as a Valentine’s Day gift? A benevolent cholo to stick this crude silhouette on the back of his truck as a window decal. Anyone got a lead? It doesn’t count if the cholo is in my family.
Have a beautiful Valentine’s day week. Get transgressive. Let all your funky bits hang out.
Did you watch the Super Bowl? I’m so bad at both fashion and sports, but I really tried to show some spirit by digging up this frightening relic from my past:
This hat is from a 90s Super Bowl that heavily featured a pre-diq pic Brett Favre (I think he won or something, but I’m not sure because I was probs busy being 9 years old and not giving a pre-pubescent fuq). But that’s not the point. This hat is the kind that would be worn by the worst kind of hipster AND the worst kind of bro (BRO, Brahhh). Its relevance lies at a sartorial intersection that I never want to be at, but behold: here I am, strutting my wares under the pulsing strobes of my living room like an attention-starved show dog on Superbowl Sunday.
On the hat rim? That is 100% dried up frosting from some cupcake I hoovered in ’07.