I’ve been getting annoyingly persistent neck kinks lately, probably because I sleep in the position that all the dinosaurs died in.  I toss and turn like a little bitch all night, partly because I am light sensitive like a deep sea bacteria. I need an eye mask like no other. It is one of those things that is blatantly missing from my life, like REM sleep and a sense of style.  Maybe this siiiiick mask can help me at least achieve the former.

My room gets really bright and sunny in the morning, which really slays the batman man-cave vibe I’ve worked so hard to cultivate. I’ve already had not one, but two dreams that I’m a bitchy Icarus flying too close to the blazing sun before my designer wax wings melt off. Pretty sure the recurring god dreams are due to those blinding UV rays that slide through the Venetians blinds in my room while I’m mid-slumber and steep my pallid epidermis with their invasive glow. It’s either that or my pesky Messiah complex. Gosh!

I honestly don’t know how my primitive reptilian brain came up with the idea for this highly impractical sleeping mask, but it probably has a lot to do with my love for Kermit the Frog and/or latent felt fetishism.  I’ve always had an affinity for Kermie and his beloved she-swine with the flaxen locks, plus the muppets are all up in the cultural zeitgeist right now so at least this project kind of makes sense (it’s good to have a dream).

Green and egg shaped, with bulging eyes. It’s like we’re already the same.

If you would like to achieve this look, I’ve laid out directions below like a boss:

Fetch yourself a sheet of green felt, a sharpie, elastic, and a frat-tastic beer pong ball.

Cut two pieces of identical eye mask-shapes out of the felt. I “eyeballed” the shape and size, HAR HAR!

Measure the elastic around your fat head and find a length where it will stretch comfortably without cutting off circulation in your skull.

Sew the pieces of felt shut, with the elastic sewn to each side. Leaving a space that allows you to turn the mask inside out, then sew everything together so it looks professional. YOU FANCY HUH?

Oh hai, ping pong ball. Clearly crafting is a much higher life priority than manicures are in my household, mmkay haters?

Cut the ping pong ball in half. I just used a regular serrated knife for this, which I then forgot about and later used to chop up some dinner that my roommate ingested. That’ll put some hair on his chest.

Sand the eyeball halves so all the rough edges are gone. We want our scleras snag-free and gleaming.

Sharpie the Kermit eyeball shapes onto each eye, then hot glue each eyeball half to the mask. DONESIES.

This eye mask is a game changer. It’s tranquil as a monk’s grundle up in this bitch! All I wanna do is hop into a Forever Twenty-onesie and putz the fuq around!

Even amphibians take bitch-with-an-iPhone pics:

Blurry the Frog.

HAY would you guys date someone like me? I may wear headgear made of skinned muppet but I have delicate geisha sensibilities and great childbearing hips like Barbie.

Comment if the spirit moves you.

HALLO INTERNETS.

So I made this Christmas wreath out of toy army men for my brother’s ROTC detachment. 4 FUNSIES.  I can’t tell you how much I love this wreath— nothing else can penetrate my cold linoleum heart! I was tempted to keep it as my own, but stupid altruism got in the way and I decided to loosen my claws and fork it over to the boys. I actually think it’s pretty novel, thankyouverymuch. You guys, I’m chock full of fantastic ideas that need to be implemented stat—like putting birth control in fat free FroYo form. Clever.com/someoneloveme.

If you’ve got a mind boner over this hot piece + hundreds of toy army men lying around your lair then I’ve included instructions below.  Are you scared you won’t be able to do it?  Hush, pet.  Let me be your Gandalf and guide you through this.

First I ordered 500 toy army figurines from eBay. They arrived pretty quickly which is great cuz I was shivering in me timbers with anticipation.

 I wish these guys were real. They’d definitely have amazing personalities and probably great abs too.

They came in this muted, sad looking sage color.  Camouflage is a sartorial bitch!! Since they weren’t going into battle any time soon, I immediately spray painted them this bright green because I am a proud member of generation Toy Story.

You’ll also need a medium styrofoam wreath form–wrap that shit in green ribbon for the base. Try to stay tidy and have good form because it can get loopy and obnoxious real fast. Clearly I’m off to great start here:

When you’re all done, start gluing the army men onto the wreath.

The end result should look like a patriotic hot mess–limbs sticking out everywhere, dudes in piles, guy-on-guy forevs.

TA-DAH.

ZOMG XMASSS
Sitting on a bunch of newspaper like a potty training puppy. I am my own spirit animal.

Hayuck!

I added a big red bow because I am jolly yuletide biatch. Happy Festivus, young grasshopper!