This is what I’ve been using on my skin since I was 14, because I’m from LA and we are taught at an early age that the face is the window to a rich man having your babies (or something). I never saw a pore on my face until I was 23, and I got my first pimple when I was 20. I’d like to attribute it to genetics but I was birthed fully formed from a large pore on my dad’s face like Athena the crafty lesbian goddess, so I’m pretty sure this dermatological godsend is the cause of my skin. I know I sound like a Geisha-visaged douchecanoe, but a great complexion is all I’ve got. SO LET ME HAVE THIS MOMENT. My face may be a’ight, but In 2001 I slid down a huge rock in Big Bear mountain whilst wearing hot pants and my ass has never been the same. So I have a leatherbutt but my face is pretty dope, OKAY? #Duality
I haven’t been able to refill my supplies lately so I’ve been using this Vitamin C cream from CVS and I’m basically depressed because of it. But the good thing about Arcona is that it has a cumulative effect, so even if you stop using it for a bit you’ll be able to ride on the dewey beautiful skin algae phytoplankton coattails for a while. At least two Thai women on different occasions have totally creamed over my skin lately, so I think I’ve still got something left in these brittle pores!
Netty Pots Are For Poosies
LA has been hot and dusty and disgusting all summer, which means I need something to clear out all the tumbleweeds in my sinus cavity. This sinus rinse is where it’s really at. Fuq netti pots. If you wanna sinus rinse with the big dogs, you’ve gotta pull the big time hydraulics and go with this bad boy. One time I squirted it so hard that the saline solution came out of my eyeballs. ! So it can get Guinness Book of World Records/AWESOME up in your face real fast if you’re not careful.
Philosophy Amazing Grace
I wore Flower Bomb perfume since 2008, on and off. I think they call it “Flowerbomb” because when you buy it, it leaves a large dent in your checking account that is much akin to what a bomb would do. Then I tried this jam: Amazing Grace by Phiilosophy. I honestly think it smells like dog shampoo, but for some reason people love the smell of it on me and it makes every single white girl swoon when they reach up to hug my elegant Loch Ness neck. Tons of guys will inhale gulpfuls of it too (my boyfriend is neutral as he prefers I smell like bark). Not sure why this scent mixes so well with my natural samurai pheromones, but I’m into it because I love attention and will make myself smell like anything to get more of it. I’m even thinking of buying one of their official scented candles, and I NEVER buy perfume candles unless they’re in the shape of/have the personality of that weirdly hot candelabra in Beauty and the Beast.
Apple Cider Vinegar
First of all, Apple Cider Vinegar is like the Snoop Dogg of vinegars. It’ll do ANAYTHANG!!
This is weird, but ACV kinda melts your fat off. I swear to you. I take 2 capfulls a day in a large glass of water 2-3 times a day and it gives me energy and somehow keeps me thinner but I also smell like I’ve been dying Easter eggs A LOT. Small price to pay oh hay.
Milk and soy are super mucus-forming, which is a riduclous thing for me to say, on account of my debilitating macaroni and cheese addiction (I’ve been clean 4 weeks now). If I had a skim milk udder on my own body I would freebase white Russians all day and spray vegan passersby with my tasty extractions. But this stuff has got me hooked. A cold glass of this goes great with a delicious desire to eat healthy f00d.
NOTE: This is not a sponsored post. Queen, PLEASE! I wish…I would love to magnetize sponsorships to me so I can tell you guys all about it. I would host giveaways for dry shampoo etc. and be super candid in sponsored Spanxx reviews. I’ll be super honest and enlightening, and I promise to at least be as transparent as a Forever 21 maxi dress if that ever comes my way.