Things I Put On and Inside Me

Posted on September 5, 2012 by Jacquie

Arcona

This is what I’ve been using on my skin since I was 14, because I’m from LA and we are taught at an early age that the face is the window to a rich man having your babies (or something). I never saw a pore on my face until I was 23, and I got my first pimple when I was 20. I’d like to attribute it to genetics but I was birthed fully formed from a large pore on my dad’s face like Athena the crafty lesbian goddess, so I’m pretty sure this dermatological godsend is the cause of my skin. I know I sound like a Geisha-visaged douchecanoe, but a great complexion is all I’ve got. SO LET ME HAVE THIS MOMENT. My face may be a’ight, but In 2001 I slid down a huge rock in Big Bear mountain whilst wearing hot pants and my ass has never been the same. So I have a leatherbutt but my face is pretty dope, OKAY? #Duality

I haven’t been able to refill my supplies lately so I’ve been using this Vitamin C cream from CVS and I’m basically depressed because of it. But the good thing about Arcona is that it has a cumulative effect, so even if you stop using it for a bit you’ll be able to ride on the dewey beautiful skin algae phytoplankton coattails for a while. At least two Thai women on different occasions have totally creamed over my skin lately, so I think I’ve still got something left in these brittle pores!

Netty Pots Are For Poosies

LA has been hot and dusty and disgusting all summer, which means I need something to clear out all the tumbleweeds in my sinus cavity. This sinus rinse is where it’s really at. Fuq netti pots. If you wanna sinus rinse with the big dogs, you’ve gotta pull the big time hydraulics and go with this bad boy. One time I squirted it so hard that the saline solution came out of my eyeballs. ! So it can get Guinness Book of World Records/AWESOME up in your face real fast if you’re not careful.

Philosophy Amazing Grace

I wore Flower Bomb perfume since 2008, on and off. I think they call it “Flowerbomb” because when you buy it, it leaves a large dent in your checking account that is much akin to what a bomb would do. Then I tried this jam: Amazing Grace by Phiilosophy. I honestly think it smells like dog shampoo, but for some reason people love the smell of it on me and it makes every single white girl swoon when they reach up to hug my elegant Loch Ness neck. Tons of guys will inhale gulpfuls of it too (my boyfriend is neutral as he prefers I smell like bark). Not sure why this scent mixes so well with my natural samurai pheromones, but I’m into it because I love attention and will make myself smell like anything to get more of it. I’m even thinking of buying one of their official scented candles, and I NEVER buy perfume candles unless they’re in the shape of/have the personality of that weirdly hot candelabra in Beauty and the Beast.

Apple Cider Vinegar

First of all, Apple Cider Vinegar is like the Snoop Dogg of vinegars. It’ll do ANAYTHANG!!

This is weird, but ACV kinda melts your fat off. I swear to you. I take 2 capfulls a day in a large glass of water 2-3 times a day and it gives me energy and somehow keeps me thinner but I also smell like I’ve been dying Easter eggs A LOT. Small price to pay oh hay.

HEMP MILK

Milk and soy are super mucus-forming, which is a riduclous thing for me to say, on account of my debilitating macaroni and cheese addiction (I’ve been clean 4 weeks now). If I had a skim milk udder on my own body I would freebase white Russians all day and spray vegan passersby with my tasty extractions. But this stuff has got me hooked. A cold glass of this goes great with a delicious desire to eat healthy f00d.

NOTE: This is not a sponsored post. Queen, PLEASE! I wish…I would love to magnetize sponsorships to me so I can tell you guys all about it. I would host giveaways for dry shampoo etc. and be super candid in sponsored Spanxx reviews. I’ll be super honest and enlightening, and I promise to at least be as transparent as a Forever 21 maxi dress if that ever comes my way.

Later Taters

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PIXEL MOUSE EARRINGS

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Jacquie

Ya dig????

I made these and then realized that my earring holes have closed up again. UGH! Who wants to come over and fix them with me tonight? We can pretend I’m an ear virgin and have a slumber party whilst we pierce me like a Mexican 2 month old at Claire’s. We need some vodka, a potato, and a butter knife! Should we Ustream it? DM me.

[GUFFAWWW]

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Pantone Chip Nails

Posted on April 29, 2012 by Jacquie

Ay carumba, Internets! BEHOLD my primitive creation: Pantone Chip Acrylic Nails. Whattup, color-cockblocking:

I didn’t realize my index finger was such a clunker. It’s probably so buff from always pushing “Yes” on the button to life.

Before you cast the first stone, please know that I am aware these are not 18-3943. Okay. Now you can cast the first stone.

I’ve resisted getting my nails did for a long time – like the length of at least 2.5 Kim Kardashian marriages. I know! I’m just not too cray cray about girly girl stuff that seems to get everyone else’s undies in a bunch. I’m very “meh” about those things, which is completely at odds with the fact that I am my own drag personality. Yes, I wear makeup, but I feel that there’s an inherent masculinity in my technique of smearing that sparkle gel warpaint on my lids every day. WHATEVAR. I wear the shit outta makeup but still use a spork to brush the straw-like fringe that sprouts from my head.

So you can just guess who was gobsmacked (me) when I got the sudden urge the other day to spackle my nailbeds with acrylic and turn my hands into a beautiful full blown double rainbow. Maybe I’m growing a more refined sense of vanity and morphing into a real girl. Finally!

They needed to look boss as fuq so I settled on a design that was a pretty duhhh choice to my obviously super refined and design-oriented mind–the Pantone color chip. The Internet loves to get jiggy with this jam:

This was a nitty gritty DIY–partly to temper my control issues and mostly cuz I didn’t want to fork $100 of my monthly candy fund over to an aesthetician who would do a much better job. I invite you to join me below in my Pantone Chip Acrylic Nail DIY tutorial. Don’t be scared! It’ll put some hair on your chest (maybe literally, if you purchased your acrylic in #Koreatown like me. Yee yee!).

1. Gather supplies: Nail polish of your choice, tacky French Manicure tips, Acrylic Nail Dip Kit, and clear shiny labels (I used the labels nestled within the Avery “Clear Label Index Maker Pocket Dividers”). You might want to add a breathing mask to the mix here- In hindsight I realize I shoulda probably worn one of those SARS masks while maneuvering the nail superglue because I’m a sensitive bubble girl asthmatic type and I wheeze like Vader when exposed to chemicals.

2. Apply acrylics by watching the masters: This was my first time doing acrylic nails so I hit up the Youtubes for assistance and did what they told me. It’s so cool how we basically have the world at our fingertips because of modern technology. It’s even cooler how we can literally look up how to make it hard to use those fingertips at a computer because this is what the acrylics do to your nails at first:

Check out my inviting claws of passion. So dope. It’s like a day in the life of one of those Guinness world record holders. They would never be able to achieve this Pantone chip nail look! We should feel lucky.

3. Cover tips with tape: I am jittery like a tiny chihuahua, so this next step really helped me paint my nails with aplomb. Grab some Scotch tape and cover the white tips of each nail cuz shit’s gonna git painted.

4. Paint Nails: If you don’t know how to do this, go back in time to 2nd grade and use your lunch money to buy a clue.

Don’t forget to touch up any misshaps with a Q-Tip and some nail polish remover!!!! Keep it fresh.

5. Remove tape and let dry.

6. Print the Pantone branding onto the labels, cut to match the size of the tips, and apply to nails: I don’t have the elusive Pantone font, so I cropped the clearest image of a Pantone chip that I could find in a Google search, shrunk it, and dropped that into each label and printed it out. I then attached that to each nail after I cut it to size.

THIS IS CHEATING. Every Pantone color has a different corresponding number on the chip. I used 18-3943s for every nail and it works for me because I live on the Internet and don’t have much human contact or opportunities for people to care- It’s usually just me in my digital ivory tower, pickin lint outta my ass. But some of you are sexy designer types, and pairing each nail color with the correct number pretty much ensures your survival for at least one more day in the wild. Do the right thing.