DIY Neverfeast Pies From HOOK

I wanted to recreate the magical pies from the “Never Feast” in Hook because as a grown up I can manipulate icing and food coloring as I please, which is sooooo Bangarang! Paying homage to a childhood favorite in the form of a craft or costume is almost sacramental. In clumsily manufacturing our own little interpretation of something that struck a cord in our budding psyches, we are placing it firmly on the mantle of respect whilst we sit around the campfire together and crow a libretto in unison.

The endearingly clodhopping Lost Boys from Hook are actually super Martha Stewart-y. They are seasoned experts at gourd crafting and can MacGyver wild dinner spreads using their imaginations alone. They fashion deadly weapons out of bamboo, feathers, and marbles, and wear only vintage clothing so I have a deep affinity and reverence for them. I am neither lost nor a boy, but my current bedroom actually reminds me of the children’s room in Hook. At night I delicately yodel against the windowsill, looking up at glinting interstellar bodies and a circling LAPD helicopter whilst wearing one of those old timey pajama onesies that has a confusing butt flap. I await the entry of a butch fairy who will sprinkle me with dust and whisk me away to a millennial Never-Never Land. A land where froyo flows forth for free and I am absolved of my student debt. Where the sport of choice is skeet-shooting mortarboards and tassels while we roast our diplomas on a spitfire. A land where we can blog for a living with premium health insurance. A land where the recession can walk the plank.

It’s good to have a dream, amirite!! In the meantime I can recreate the enticing sweets from the Never Feast in the safety of my own home where I pay rent + utilities and fulfill other sobering responsibilities of a modern woman who would never be invited to a Lost Boys’ party in the first place because I am an adult, and the only adults in Never Land are pirates.

You can make big pies, or small pies- all you need are walloping THWAAPPS of neon whipped cream! I plan to pair the pies with some sort of Cornish poultry that I will hoover on a full moon.

Here’s how to do these things:

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Dumb and Dumber Tuxedo Wine Cozies

ddDumb and Dumber is one of the movies that I spun HARD in our 90s DVD player. Back in those early days, DVD players cost like, as much as a Coachella VIP ticket. So we had to ration our film selections. Every DVD we purchased had to be a powerful, robust choice. Dumb and Dumber was one of the chosen ones, and was hastily memorized. Also, we saw it in the theater. Groundbreaking diarrhea scene to an 8 year old’s unsullied eyes? We died.

I have been wanting to create some tuxedo wine cozies for the longest time, but couldn’t figure out a WOW angle until I had a “doyyy” moment after thinking of Lloyd and Harry’s groovy suits. This is how to create the cozies for yourself so you too can bring a couple of bottles of bubbly to a fancy Aspen fundraiser. Hopefully you won’t accidentally cork an endangered owl.

P.S. – Pee Wee Herman is next!






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My Boyfriend Does My Makeup

“My Boyfriend Does My Makeup”…this video tag has been making the rounds on the Internet long before Snap Chat was even a budding idea in a frat boy’s fever dream. So here I come again, on the heels of a dying trend! YES! #KONY2012.

Inviting your boyfriend to do your makeup on video is an inherently passive aggressive act. I’m really not a fan of OMG THIS IS SO FUNNAY LOOK AT HIM MESS UP!! attitude. I feel like this tag positions our boyfs as bumbling Cro-Magnons, staining a cave wall with their clumsy glyphs and stick antelopes. But I’ll tell you what….something even more sad is the fact that I am critically analyzing a YouTube TAG and using the word “boyf” unironically.

Rawn did a great job and I love his raw defeat that comes across in the video. He starts off with an admirable focus and some early triumphs that are then derailed by challenges and ultimately disaster as he attempts to navigate and rouge the harsh terrain of my face. Enjoy!

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This Shampoo Made Me Happier About My Hair

I have long fine hair that is prone to feeling like an oil spill near the roots if I’m not careful about washing it every 1.5 days. If I have a sweaty nightmare-y sleep in one of my “off” days, the top of my head will transform into an oily, prehistoric tar pit, trapping any saber tooth tigers and Woolly Mammoths that cross the path of my forsaken scalp. Over-washing and pH balance are the culprits in fine hair that is susceptible to grease, but like, when am I supposed to reset the pH of my hair with a full blown “no ‘poo” experiment where you wash with only baking soda and vinegar? My hair is not an elementary school science project. I need to start integrating dry shampoo and shower caps into my daily routine way more often. But first, I need to establish a daily routine because most of my days start with me rolling out of bed like a Play-Doh log and into whatever form of legging isn’t on the floor in a lumpen heap.

I was getting fairly disheartened about my hurr situation for a long time. I will admit I am afraid of haircuts and the emotional intensity brought forth by the wayward snips of foreign scissors. If they cut too much it feels like part of my identity is being tourniqueted then disposed of. Yes, I am attached to my hair, like a barnacle on the hull of a ship. Woops. Never let go!!!!

Then I discovered this N.4 High Performance Hair Care- Lumiere d’hiver (Clariying Shampoo). Last year I received a sample of it in a Birchbox and immediately poo-poo’d it for its bland design and perfumy scent. I only started using it in my trip to Peru last winter and OMG. The tiny sample size lasted me the full ten days out of the country. Granted I was only taking showers every 4 days but like….


The shampoo itself flows like slick lava out of what looks like a dial handsoap dispenser. An 8.5 ounce bottle lasted me a full 2 months which is amazing for a shampoo ho like me. It manages to smooth out my hair while adding body at the same time, without giving it that dull texture and without eventually deteoriating into a stringy mess.  Plus it seems to tuck my split ends neatly into themselves. I like it.

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Best Perfume Ever: MAN SCENT

Short of smearing a Gogurt Squirt on my pulse points, I have attempted to smell like deliciousness for most of my adult life. As a college freshman in 2006, energized by finally being at a school with boys(!) and jazzed about my newfound .001 ounces of birth control boob growth, I approached the Hanae Mori counter at Bloomingdales for a signature scent that would make all the boys come to the yard and hopefully poke me on Facebook.

“This is lovely. It smells a tad like vanilla. But most importantly, men looooove this,” a smoldering cougar hissed, holding up the bottle of Hanae Mori Butterfly like a sacrificial lamb at the counter.

“Hmm, let me smell it.” – I said, my cosloppus chakra whirring with excitement.

My eyes rolled back into my naïve head. It smelled good. It smelled like promises- like clumsy T9 text messages and date burritos because every dewd at school would be hooked on Eau de Jacquie.

“Men really, really love it. They like vanilla,” the woman hooted, her forehead plump with bovine.

THEY LIKE VANILLA. That truth etched itself into my brainfolds and remained long after I outgrew Hanae Mori/smelling like every female Jr. Olympics champion.

I imagine myself as a man- with trendy, kaleidoscopic sneakers and hair in slick plaits (L.O.L.).  I venture that I, too, would be drawn to women bedecked in vanilla…BECAUSE I ALREADY LOVE IT AS A FEMALE AND VANILLA IS THE ILLEST SCENT AND WE ALSO PUT IT IN PIES. I guess my point is that everyone, all people- THEY LIKE VANILLA.

That is where scents like KleanSpa’s Man Scent: WOOD comes into play. Holy vanilla bean.

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This scent has been my fave for at least 6 months, not including the time when I was rationing my last drops of Flowerbomb, whilst crying bitter Birchbox perfume sample tears. The description of “Man Scent: WOOD” unfurls:

Wood: Sandalwood mingled with amber and musk with a touch of vanilla, to keep him a little sweet (and a lot sexy!)

Yummy. Evokes the image of a man scuffling across a vintage kilim rug in house slippers, en route to pay for someone to make him a pour-over coffee in his rapidly-gentrifying neighborhood. Although I am not a “him,” I find this scent to work for both sexes, just like Skrillex hair. Last year I smelled it on an ex coworker and immediately bought it for my boyfriend. I presented unto him treasures: gold, and frankincense, and MANScENT. He said he noticed that more old ladies in the Whole Foods elevator talk to him when he wore it, which made me purchase a bottle for myself out of a fit of confusing jealousy. Man Scent probably radiates a pheromone cloud around men and triggers ovulation when you wear it around women.

OF COURSE THIS ISN’T THE POINT. I love the scent because it smells amazing and makes me feel like a confident flute of incense. And when other people are into it, it’s a double win.

On me, I notice that people mention that ‘someone smells really good’ and then scamper away in a daze…as if they can’t pinpoint why it smells like the inside of a sexy genie lamp up in here. When I wear it, gardeners hit on me even when I’m behind a tinted car window.

I’ve tried the roll-on applicator and this little hipster dropper. Both have minor drawbacks- the roller doesn’t last as long but I sometimes detect hints of nutter butter when I use the dropper. Either way, I smell like the most delicious human that has ever walked the face of your computer screen. Currently I am mixing this elixir with some organic vanilla lotion so that the scent firmly embeds into my eager pores and transmits an aromatic force field around me.

Give it a shot for yourself- dab it onto your wrists after a casual night swim in figgy pudding and see the magic of Man Scent unfold before you!

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DIY Death Star Disco Ball

princess death

Princess Leia is sad because disco is dead like Alderaan.

disco bal

This disco ball is sooOoo shabby chic. Governor Tarkin would get his undies in a bunch over the destruction of his beloved superlaser but woops, he dead.

A lot of us in generation iPhone have to bootstrap our home décor….especially if we are holding down nearly any kind of job in this modern workplace, sifting through economic silt of our forefathers.  This Death Star Disco Ball is not the cheapest craft you can make (it will cost you about $100 of your monthly candy fund and 17-500 hours of your free time), BUT…Imagine this sparkling ball hanging from the stucco in your own home: a conversation starter for infinity and beyond! An ice breaker that actually looks like broken ice. And if you are a 70s afficionado, well, what better to express “DISCO IS DEAD” this than the mirrored detritus of an exploded fictional weapon of massive planetary destruction? OKAY, OKAY.

Star Wars is the overused film franchise from which I siphon much inspiration. And mirror balls have been a staple of the Brady Bunch corner of my mind for years!  And of course I love crafting pretty hard, for its therapeutic properties no doubt. Once in a while I need to sit down for 14+ hours at a labia-numbing craft like this just to get the kinks out of my whirring psyche.

You’ll need a few runs to the store for obscure supplies. If you are dedicated to cultural references and can gather up some clumsy, gleaming ambition, then you’re all set. Watch the video for the complete tutorial & may the Schwartz be whichu.

death star


What’s your favorite Star Wars character? I love Chewbacca, with his Tyra Banks skyscraper forehead and permanent bell bottoms,  And I’m actually not a Darth Vader hater. I think he looks pretty cool (helmet on) and would even let him borrow my inhaler so…..


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DIY Door Lock Necklace

Jewelry is fucking awesome. And cheap jewelry is the most awesome, until you sweat and it leaches a band of green copper alloy residue onto your skin- the insidious Zorro mark of a Forever 21 accessory binge.

I’ve been really into gold jewelry lately, and by lately I mean the past 26 years of my life.  FUN STORY: I’m allergic to Mexican gold. We found out the hard way when I got my ears pierced when I was just a larval human. My ear lobes reacted violently to the gold studs and proceeded to grow around the earrings in an attempt to eat them and assimilate them into my body for proper destruction. And I’ve been gold hungry since ’87! One time I paid for an embarrassing amount of parking tickets by selling 2 small gold coins like some millennial pirate, arrrghhh ‘tis true, me matey!!!!

It’s hard to look regal on a budget, but even harder to have the narcissistic personality disorder that is a prerequisite to aspiring to look like royalty. I love jewelry as much as the next Liz Taylor, but Mint dot com and Sallie Mae tell me that my golden dreams will have to w8 for now.  I wear two gold rings on my fingers ALWAYZ. They got really loose in my post college years when I lost all my Svedka weight, and are due for a self esteem-boosting resizing. My butch daemon tempts me to do DIY a welding session, but I fear that would leave me with a melted phalange.

I saw a chain lock necklace somewhere on the vast digital plains of the Internet and knew it would help sustain and nourish my gold fever. It’s a sick design and has the visual intensity required by my daily mumus/aura.  So I went off to the hardware store to get this chain door lock:


Chain locks are as old as Vaudeville, which is embarrassing to our Diabetes by Dre generation.  They allow the door to open slightly, so that a marauder can still stick his arm through and shoot you in your fat face. Are these supposed to make us feel safer? Do you have one on your door? You better, just in case Creeper McCreepballs triangulates your location through your Instagrams, breaks into your apartment and furtively tries on your high heel collection before you come home from barre class some day!!!!!

This was a relatively easy craft to complete, and I highly recommend if you like attention and don’t mind wearing hardware that you find next to toilet piping at Home Depot around your dainty neck. It looks great in my tree of aluminum chains from H&M jewelry box, and probably will in yours too!

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Pumpkin Enzyme Mask

OH MY GOURD, planet Earth has twerked on its axis and sent the western hemisphere straight into Fall. At least it’s fall today in Los Angeles, my spiritual and literal homeland. Tomorrow we could all tumble into another confusing heat wave and its requisite iced coffees. After this past 2HOT2HANDLE summer, this city needed a brisk wind to diq slap us all into the next season.

With pumpkin patches sprouting up all over the place, it only makes sense to put some pumpkins to work for us after we gut their insides and disfigure their exteriors with our crude designs. OR,  you could just buy the canned version of pumpkin like I did. Here’s my fall DIY pumpkin enzyme mask how-to that will make your skin glow more than a face that didn’t use this mask!

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DIY Candy Crush Saga Costume

I hope your fainting sofa is nearby cuz shit is about to get so real.

This is my first costume DIY for Halloween 2013- Candy Crush Saga! There is a warm satisfaction in DIY-ing your own Halloween costume. It’s like a homemade “fuq-yew!” to all the mass-manufactured costumes that pop up around this time of year. The last thing we should be doing is digging through racks of packaged polyester princess dirndls at Halloween Town USA- it’s an insult to our creativity, sugartits!

Watch the video tutorial on how to recreate this look down below if the spirit moves you.  And if you can’t sew- it doesn’t matter, pancake batter!  You can always substitute hot glue for some sick needlework….or to make it relevant for Fall 2013, “needle-twerk“.

Candy Crush Costume

Candy Crush Costume

Candy Crush CostumeCandies2Candies-05 at 9.54.40 AMCandy Crush Costume

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