DIY Neverfeast Pies From HOOK

I wanted to recreate the magical pies from the “Never Feast” in Hook because as a grown up I can manipulate icing and food coloring as I please, which is sooooo Bangarang! Paying homage to a childhood favorite in the form of a craft or costume is almost sacramental. In clumsily manufacturing our own little interpretation of something that struck a cord in our budding psyches, we are placing it firmly on the mantle of respect whilst we sit around the campfire together and crow a libretto in unison.

The endearingly clodhopping Lost Boys from Hook are actually super Martha Stewart-y. They are seasoned experts at gourd crafting and can MacGyver wild dinner spreads using their imaginations alone. They fashion deadly weapons out of bamboo, feathers, and marbles, and wear only vintage clothing so I have a deep affinity and reverence for them. I am neither lost nor a boy, but my current bedroom actually reminds me of the children’s room in Hook. At night I delicately yodel against the windowsill, looking up at glinting interstellar bodies and a circling LAPD helicopter whilst wearing one of those old timey pajama onesies that has a confusing butt flap. I await the entry of a butch fairy who will sprinkle me with dust and whisk me away to a millennial Never-Never Land. A land where froyo flows forth for free and I am absolved of my student debt. Where the sport of choice is skeet-shooting mortarboards and tassels while we roast our diplomas on a spitfire. A land where we can blog for a living with premium health insurance. A land where the recession can walk the plank.

It’s good to have a dream, amirite!! In the meantime I can recreate the enticing sweets from the Never Feast in the safety of my own home where I pay rent + utilities and fulfill other sobering responsibilities of a modern woman who would never be invited to a Lost Boys’ party in the first place because I am an adult, and the only adults in Never Land are pirates.

You can make big pies, or small pies- all you need are walloping THWAAPPS of neon whipped cream! I plan to pair the pies with some sort of Cornish poultry that I will hoover on a full moon.

Here’s how to do these things:

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Dumb and Dumber Tuxedo Wine Cozies

ddDumb and Dumber is one of the movies that I spun HARD in our 90s DVD player. Back in those early days, DVD players cost like, as much as a Coachella VIP ticket. So we had to ration our film selections. Every DVD we purchased had to be a powerful, robust choice. Dumb and Dumber was one of the chosen ones, and was hastily memorized.

I have been wanting to create some tuxedo wine cozies for the longest time, but couldn’t figure out a WOW angle until I had a “doyyy” moment after thinking of Lloyd and Harry’s groovy suits. This is how to create the cozies for yourself so you too can bring a couple of bottles of bubbly to a fancy Aspen fundraiser. Hopefully you won’t accidentally cork an endangered owl.

P.S. – Pee Wee Herman is next!






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This Shampoo Made Me Happier About My Hair

I have long fine hair that is prone to feeling like an oil spill near the roots if I’m not careful about washing it every 1.5 days. If I have a sweaty nightmare-y sleep in one of my “off” days, the top of my head will transform into an oily, prehistoric tar pit, trapping any saber tooth tigers and Woolly Mammoths that cross the path of my forsaken scalp. Over-washing and pH balance are the culprits in fine hair that is susceptible to grease, but like, when am I supposed to reset the pH of my hair with a full blown “no ‘poo” experiment where you wash with only baking soda and vinegar? My hair is not an elementary school science project.

I was getting fairly disheartened about my hurr situation for a long time. I will admit I am afraid of haircuts and the emotional intensity brought forth by the wayward snips of foreign scissors. If they cut too much it feels like part of my identity is being tourniqueted then disposed of. Yes, I am attached to my hair, like a barnacle on the hull of a ship. Woops. Never let go!!!!

Then I discovered this N.4 High Performance Hair Care- Lumiere d’hiver (Clariying Shampoo). Last year I received a sample of it in a Birchbox and immediately poo-poo’d it for its bland design and perfumy scent. I only started using it in my trip to Peru last winter and OMG. The tiny sample size lasted me the full ten days out of the country. Granted I was only taking showers every 4 days but like….


The shampoo itself flows like slick lava out of what looks like a dial handsoap dispenser. An 8.5 ounce bottle lasted me a full 2 months which is amazing for a shampoo ho like me. It manages to smooth out my hair while adding body at the same time, without giving it that dull texture and without eventually deteoriating into a stringy mess.  Plus it seems to tuck my split ends neatly into themselves. I like it.

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Best Perfume Ever: MAN SCENT

Short of smearing a Gogurt Squirt on my pulse points, I have attempted to smell like deliciousness for most of my adult life. As a college freshman in 2006, energized by finally being at a school with boys(!), I approached the Hanae Mori counter at Bloomingdales for a signature scent that would make all the boys come to the yard and hopefully poke me on Facebook.

“This is lovely. It smells a tad like vanilla. But most importantly, men looooove this,” a smoldering cougar hissed, holding up the bottle of Hanae Mori Butterfly like a sacrificial lamb at the counter.

My eyes rolled back into my naïve head. It smelled good. It smelled like promises- like clumsy T9 text messages and date burritos because every dewd at school would be hooked on Eau de Jacquie.

“Men really, really love it. They like vanilla,” the woman hooted, her forehead plump with bovine.

THEY LIKE VANILLA. That truth etched itself into my brainfolds and remained long after I outgrew Hanae Mori/smelling like every female Jr. Olympics champion.

I imagine myself as a man- with trendy, kaleidoscopic sneakers and hair in slick plaits (L.O.L.).  I venture that I, too, would be drawn to women bedecked in vanilla…BECAUSE I ALREADY LOVE IT AS A FEMALE AND VANILLA IS THE ILLEST SCENT AND WE ALSO PUT IT IN PIES. I guess my point is that everyone, all people- THEY LIKE VANILLA.

That is where scents like KleanSpa’s Man Scent: WOOD comes into play. Holy vanilla bean.

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This scent has been my fave for at least 6 months, not including the time when I was rationing my last drops of Flowerbomb, whilst crying bitter Birchbox perfume sample tears. The description of “Man Scent: WOOD” unfurls:

Wood: Sandalwood mingled with amber and musk with a touch of vanilla, to keep him a little sweet (and a lot sexy!)

Yummy. Although I am not a “him,” I find this scent to work for both sexes, just like Skrillex hair. Last year I smelled it on an ex coworker and immediately bought it for my boyfriend. I presented unto him treasures: gold, and frankincense, and MANScENT. I love the scent because it smells amazing and makes me feel like a confident flute of incense. And when other people are into it, it’s a double win.

I’ve tried the roll-on applicator and this little hipster dropper. Both have minor drawbacks- the roller doesn’t last as long but I sometimes detect hints of nutter butter when I use the dropper. Either way, I smell like the most delicious human that has ever walked the face of your computer screen. Currently I am mixing this elixir with some organic vanilla lotion so that the scent firmly embeds into my eager pores and transmits an aromatic force field around me.

Give it a shot for yourself- dab it onto your wrists after a casual night swim in figgy pudding and see the magic of Man Scent unfold before you!

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DIY Death Star Disco Ball

princess death

Princess Leia is sad because disco is dead like Alderaan.

disco bal

A lot of us in generation iPhone have to bootstrap our home décor….especially if we are holding down nearly any kind of job in this modern workplace, sifting through economic silt of our forefathers.  This Death Star Disco Ball is not the cheapest craft you can make (it will cost you about $100 of your monthly candy fund and 17-500 hours of your free time), BUT…Imagine this sparkling ball hanging from the stucco in your own home: a conversation starter for infinity and beyond! An ice breaker that actually looks like broken ice. And if you are a 70s afficionado, well, what better to express “DISCO IS DEAD” this than the mirrored detritus of an exploded fictional weapon of massive planetary destruction? OKAY, OKAY.

Star Wars is the film franchise from which I siphon much inspiration. And mirror balls have been a staple of the Brady Bunch corner of my mind for years!  And of course I love crafting pretty hard, for its therapeutic properties no doubt.

You’ll need a few runs to the store for obscure supplies. If you are dedicated to cultural references and can gather up some clumsy, gleaming ambition, then you’re all set. May the Schwartz be whichu.

death star


What’s your favorite Star Wars character? I love Chewbacca, with his Tyra Banks skyscraper forehead and permanent bell bottoms,  And I’m actually not a Darth Vader hater. I think he looks pretty cool (helmet on) and would even let him borrow my inhaler so…..


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DIY Door Lock Necklace

Jewelry is awesome. And cheap jewelry is the most awesome, until you sweat and it leaches a band of green copper alloy residue onto your skin- the insidious Zorro mark of a Forever 21 accessory binge.

I’ve been really into gold jewelry lately, and by lately I mean the past 26 years of my life.  FUN STORY: I’m allergic to Mexican gold. We found out the hard way when I got my ears pierced when I was just a larval human. My ear lobes reacted violently to the gold studs and proceeded to grow around the earrings in an attempt to eat them and assimilate them into my body for proper destruction. And I’ve been gold hungry since ’87! One time I paid for an embarrassing amount of parking tickets by selling 2 small gold coins like some millennial pirate, arrrghhh ‘tis true, me matey!!!!

It’s hard to look regal on a budget, but even harder to have the narcissistic personality disorder that is a prerequisite to aspiring to look like royalty. I love jewelry as much as the next Liz Taylor, but Mint dot com and Sallie Mae tell me that my golden dreams will have to w8 for now.

I saw a chain lock necklace somewhere on the vast digital plains of the Internet and knew it would help sustain and nourish my gold fever. It’s a sick design and has the visual intensity required by my daily mumus/aura.  So I went off to the hardware store to get this chain door lock:


This was a relatively easy craft to complete, and I highly recommend if you like attention and don’t mind wearing hardware that you find next to toilet piping at Home Depot around your dainty neck. It looks great in my tree of aluminum chains from H&M jewelry box, and probably will in yours too!

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