50 Shades of Hey Girl Heyyyy

I have a sneaking suspicion that the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon is going to bring an avalanche of bondage and S&M fashion trends–as if it didn’t already happen every year in a big leather wave with Rihanna sitting on its crest wearing a hemp ball gag. For the uninformed, 50 Shades of Grey is the first in a series of novels that started as Twilight fan fuckery and turned into full blown “mommy porn” trilogy, replete with bondage and kinkiness galore. I heard Seacrest wailing about it on his morning show the other day and for whatever reason, it appears that this book has firmly clamped the large turgid nipple of the mass consciousness right now.

I’m excited for the impending bondage accessory DIY mania…. I’ll be waiting with the hammer of Thor in hand, ready to lay the smackdown on some cobbler’s leather.  I’ve always dug the look of harnesses and leather and studs, probably because I’m a freaking badass biatch whose coolness must be restrained. I got really into the aesthetic back in college when I was part of a super hilarious student event.

Sidenote- Back in school I was never a part of the Greek system. I wasn’t a horrible frat boy cling-along nor a lucite sorority girl so I had to find acceptance and belonging elsewhere. I clearly sampled the frat-tastic dudes for sport, but never caught full-on ebrola, thankyouverymuch. I actually got rejected from every sorority at Yale, most likely because the other girls could tell my mental diq was the biggest in the room and tucked their necks into their double-collared shells whenever I came around. Thankfully, my school was an ideal playground for marginalized oddities like me and I found my tribe. I didn’t need the sororities and their awesome lesbian manors!

One way I searched for meaningful integration into college life was by latching onto scandalous student organizations. Transgressive gypsy living perfectly suited me as a lapsed Catholic! I co-directed this sex education event called Sex Week at Yale, in which one of my many tasks was interviewing JT of JT’s Stockroom, aka the premier fetish and bondage sexporium in the sunny City of Angels. He was very charming and his company kindly sent me a few high res pictures of naked women in puppy cages.  OH And I somehow finagled a deal where we would promote them on a poster for a huge party, aptly named “Skull and BONED,” in return for borrowing $3,000 worth of latex fetish wear for the poster design.  They sent me boxes full of pristine girdles and skirts made of latex…I had to be oiled like a vintage Schwarzenegger in order to fit into those tiny rubber sheaths, but hark! It worked!

50 Shades of bondage fashion:

The caged bird BLINGS:

 

<3

PIXEL MOUSE EARRINGS

Ya dig????

I made these and then realized that my earring holes have closed up again. UGH! Who wants to come over and fix them with me tonight? We can pretend I’m an ear virgin and have a slumber party whilst we pierce me like a Mexican 2 month old at Claire’s. We need some vodka, a potato, and a butter knife! Should we Ustream it? DM me.

[GUFFAWWW]

<3

DIY Spiked Bowser Headband

HALLO THURR.

Do you read fashion blogs? I do. I love them because I am a girly girl with a computer machine and a frickin clue. I really enjoy watching blog fashion princesses prancing around fancy places like New York and Milan and not-the-Midwest looking like tall glasses of skim milk in Louboutins.  But not gonna lie, those blogs with their pretty girls and their laces and thin metallic leather goods can make me a little jealy. Sometimes I unspool the FASHUNN section of my Google Reader and I’m  all “I want expensive tranny heels like her!  Why do that bitch’s jaundiced toes get all the fun?” Then I sink my plebian ass into the nubby butt donut I got at JC Pennehh, lamenting the blatant lack of couture frou-frou in my life until I remind myself to check that tacky noise at the door!!  Pettiness is for soap opera teenagers and Courtney Love.

We may still be mired in a recession but it’s kind of cool to be broke as all hell right now- DIY is celebrated these days and we live in a time where cheap creative fuqs can sustain a bountiful Klout score because their ideas go viral like Swine flu.  As long as we throw in a bit of wit and inventiveness for good measure, the Internet will still be Hellogiggling all the livelong day at our DIY ombre food stamps or whatever. THIS IS OUR MOMENT GUYS OH HAY. Wish I could have this moment 4 life. 4 life. 4 life.

One of my fave things to do is adopt popular trends and bastardize them into a wallet-friendly designs of my own. Lately I’ve been aching to incorporate more studs and spikes into my life, so seeing them on every runway and in magazines and on every cool girl ever has quickly whipped my resolve into a stiff peak.  This shit is happening, and since I don’t have a hole in my tongue or an eager tunnel in my septum, these spikes are going on my clothes and accessories.

A spiked headband in particular seems like it would be a great piece to mark my transition into a world of surgical steel and antisocial Bowser heels!! This is a super simple DIY. ONWARD:

1. Order spikes: For the love of GAWD, get them online. I trolled Downtown LA and every bead store both sides of the 405 and I swear to all that is holy someone is hiding these in real life. And they are hiding them in the online stores.

2. Buy a headband for your dainty grapefruit head: and get some superglue while you’re at it.

3. Glue spikes to headband: I noticed that the tiny teeth on the inside of the headband were divided in perfect intervals for spacing out the spikes. So that worked out for me. I used 9 spikes total. 

Do you see that crumpled Coachella wristband from 2011 up there? I straight up found it while looking for a measuring tape. I think I saved it for “crafting”, which deeply depresses me. Never let go!!!!

ALL DONE:

Wait, this looks familiar:

Lady Liberty doth hath me beat! I wish my headband came with an observation deck from which you could better view the zit on my forehead.

I tried to look cool for once, and then my left sclera had to cockblock me:

This headband does make me feel fierce and fresh-as-fuq. HEY, maybe I can be a fashion blog princess one day too! I can already feel the disco stick edging its way up my a$$!

<3

Pantone Chip Nails

Ay carumba, Internets! BEHOLD my primitive creation: Pantone Chip Acrylic Nails. Whattup, color-cockblocking:

I didn’t realize my index finger was such a clunker. It’s probably so buff from always pushing “Yes” on the button to life.

Before you cast the first stone, please know that I am aware these are not 18-3943. Okay. Now you can cast the first stone.

I’ve resisted getting my nails did for a long time – like the length of at least 2.5 Kim Kardashian marriages. I know! I’m just not too cray cray about girly girl stuff that seems to get everyone else’s undies in a bunch.  I’m very “meh” about those things, which is completely at odds with the fact that I am my own drag personality. Yes, I wear makeup, but I feel that there’s an inherent masculinity in my technique of smearing that sparkle gel warpaint on my lids every day. WHATEVAR.  I wear the shit outta makeup but still use a spork to brush the straw-like fringe that sprouts from my head.

So you can just guess who was gobsmacked (me) when I got the sudden urge the other day to spackle my nailbeds with acrylic and turn my hands into a beautiful full blown double rainbow.  Maybe I’m growing a more refined sense of vanity and morphing into a real girl. Finally!

They needed to look boss as fuq so I settled on a design that was a pretty duhhh choice to my obviously super refined and design-oriented mind–the Pantone color chip. The Internet loves to get jiggy with this jam:

This was a nitty gritty DIY–partly to temper my control issues and mostly cuz I didn’t want to fork $100 of my monthly candy fund over to an aesthetician who would do a much better job.  I invite you to join me below in my Pantone Chip Acrylic Nail DIY tutorial.  Don’t be scared! It’ll put some hair on your chest (maybe literally, if you purchased your acrylic in #Koreatown like me. Yee yee!).

1. Gather supplies: Nail polish of your choice, tacky French Manicure tips, Acrylic Nail Dip Kit, and clear shiny labels (I used the labels nestled within the Avery “Clear Label Index Maker Pocket Dividers”). You might want to add a breathing mask to the mix here- In hindsight I realize I shoulda probably worn one of those SARS masks while maneuvering the nail superglue because I’m a sensitive bubble girl asthmatic type and I wheeze like Vader when exposed to chemicals.

2. Apply acrylics by watching the masters: This was my first time doing acrylic nails so I hit up the Youtubes for assistance and did what they told me. It’s so cool how we basically have the world at our fingertips because of modern technology. It’s even cooler how we can literally look up how to make it hard to use those fingertips at a computer because this is what the acrylics do to your nails at first:

Check out my inviting claws of passion. So dope. It’s like a day in the life of one of those Guinness world record holders. They would never be able to achieve this Pantone chip nail look! We should feel lucky.

3. Cover tips with tape: I am jittery like a tiny chihuahua, so this next step really helped me paint my nails with aplomb. Grab some Scotch tape and cover the white tips of each nail cuz shit’s gonna git painted.

4. Paint Nails: If you don’t know how to do this, go back in time to 2nd grade and use your lunch money to buy a clue.

Don’t forget to touch up any misshaps with a Q-Tip and some nail polish remover!!!! Keep it fresh.

5. Remove tape and let dry. 

6. Print the Pantone branding onto the labels, cut to match the size of the tips, and apply to nails: I don’t have the elusive Pantone font, so I cropped the clearest image of a Pantone chip that I could find in a Google search, shrunk it, and dropped that into each label and printed it out. I then attached that to each nail after I cut it to size.

THIS IS CHEATING. Every Pantone color has a different corresponding number on the chip. I used 18-3943s for every nail and it works for me because I live on the Internet and don’t have much human contact or opportunities for people to care- It’s usually just me in my digital ivory tower, pickin lint outta my ass. But some of you are sexy designer types, and pairing each nail color with the correct number pretty much ensures your survival for at least one more day in the wild.  Do the right thing.

Look at all the wisdom in my thumb:

7. Finish the look with a couple of coats of clear top coat: and we’re DONE!

8. Instagram that dope shit: Duh.

These nails are the illest. I want them to take me to a disco and twirl me and dip me and make me their woman!

<3

Princess Leia Headphones

GREETINGS, EARTHLINGS.

My Princess Leia Headphone covers are now available on Etsy- in brunette, blonde and GINGER!! If looking like a galactic princess is a priority of yours then knock yourself out. Thankfully my Jesus costume doubles as a Princess Leia outfit. Holy shit I love being a girl.

Here are some looks you can achieve with the buns:

Demure. Gross.

Stoic like a Samurai.

Smeared mascara under my eyes cuz I got stuck in an outer space trash compactor with some hot outer space dudes and a Wookie OKAYY???

ZOMG LISTENING TO SO MANY MUSICS ON MAH HAIRY HEADPHONEZ.

Double chin.“BUY MY HEADPHONES YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE EL OH EL”

*A special note: I definitely saw Spaceballs before Star Wars, just because Mel Brooks was high on the totem pole in my household growing up. #PrincessVespaForever. May the Schwartz be wichu*