Tampon Wreath

Yeah, I made a wreath out of tampons. What? It’s no secret I have a vajay and this shit’s fertile as fuq.

Females: I embarked on a voyage to the Costco tampon aisle and now feebly offer you this boon. This is the perfect, reusable wreath for a gurgling latrine. Plus, there’s some utility to this kaleidoscopic candy-colored display of vagina plugs: hang the wreath in the privy. When the Curse is upon you and you need to ride the cotton pony, pull a tampon from this bad boy, cork your hoo-ha, and replenish the empty spots in the wreath when Shark Week* is over.

*there’s blood in the water.

Swelling menstrual pangs can easily turn a gentle damsel with the personality of an Ugg boot into Bi-polsie  gorgon. Or am I alone here? On any given day my vagina has the baseline personality of the white angry bird OR that grumpy sand dune tiger from the beginning of Aladdin.  A monthly surge of progesterone and detoriating uterine lining leaves me bristled like an angry wombat.  What bullshittery!  If we have to use cotton twat spiggots every month, then we should at least do it with style and ease.  The dearth of innovation in modern feminine products leaves my sunken heart feeling like mangled licorice shoelace. When I came up with a humble solution in the form of this tampon wreath, I was on it like Katy Perry on a giant layer cake.

If you would like to replicate this tampon wreath, acquire a wire wreath form and a bunch of tampons. I emptied my pockets and found this treasure trove, naturally:

Then I just dabbed a tiny bit of hot glue on each tampon to hold it in place, and inserted it into the wire frame.  I made the wreath large and majestic to match my ego, but a more dainty, portable wreath can look hawt and sophisticated if you’re into cultivating those kinds of qualities in your life. Wreath forms come in all shapes and sizes, just like vajays.

I decorated the wreath with this purple flower with sparkles that match that metallic gleam in my eye that emerges when I gush about Princess Leia headphone sales:

This wreath is aching for some further embellishment.  Sequins shaped like cramp-obliterating percocets? I wish. OMG SHOULD I PUT A BIRD ON IT???  Decorative ones, like the one Kevin gives the emo pigeon lady in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York?? Hmm.

Love yalls something FIERCE. Tell me your favorite tampon story in the comments, yee yee!

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11 Responses to Tampon Wreath

  1. Joe says:

    I wants one BUT WHERE WOULD I PUT THEM? Please people. Give me ideas.

  2. Grace says:

    I love this! I am totally inspired to just cover my walls in awesome-tastic wreaths made of random stuff. the tampon wreath though… that’s just a winner, honestly.

  3. Mommy.Dearest says:

    This blog post is pure genius. I love it. Please put a bird on it!!! You are one creative chick Ms. JacquieLongLegs. <3

  4. Teresa Crawford says:

    Love your wreath! You are an awesome woman.

  5. Anna says:

    I love your creativity and I would love your advice.

    I recently started a job as a writer at a small magazine and in the middle of being introduced to the Sales team, my stay-ups fell down. I tried to hide it by putting one leg behind the other and it failed. I tried to fix it which only drew more attention to the problem in front of the team of ten.

    The manager of the department stated that she thought it was a new fashion trend, and I tried to recover with a bit of self-mockery. I fixed it and the all-women department on her team laughed when she walked up to me with a thick black weight to hold a stack of papers together.

    I rolled my eyes and tried to laugh it off, but I’m worried that it’s too late to improve a bad first impression. I was wondering if you could suggest a creative, tasteful yet comical, way to return the clip to recover from such an embarassing situation.

    #opentosuggestions

  6. myp2p eu says:

    Do you have a Facebook fan page for your site?

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