HALLO INTERNETS.

So I made this Christmas wreath out of toy army men for my brother’s ROTC detachment. 4 FUNSIES.  I can’t tell you how much I love this wreath— nothing else can penetrate my cold linoleum heart! I was tempted to keep it as my own, but stupid altruism got in the way and I decided to loosen my claws and fork it over to the boys. I actually think it’s pretty novel, thankyouverymuch. You guys, I’m chock full of fantastic ideas that need to be implemented stat—like putting birth control in fat free FroYo form. Clever.com/someoneloveme.

If you’ve got a mind boner over this hot piece + hundreds of toy army men lying around your lair then I’ve included instructions below.  Are you scared you won’t be able to do it?  Hush, pet.  Let me be your Gandalf and guide you through this.

First I ordered 500 toy army figurines from eBay. They arrived pretty quickly which is great cuz I was shivering in me timbers with anticipation.

 I wish these guys were real. They’d definitely have amazing personalities and probably great abs too.

They came in this muted, sad looking sage color.  Camouflage is a sartorial bitch!! Since they weren’t going into battle any time soon, I immediately spray painted them this bright green because I am a proud member of generation Toy Story.

You’ll also need a medium styrofoam wreath form–wrap that shit in green ribbon for the base. Try to stay tidy and have good form because it can get loopy and obnoxious real fast. Clearly I’m off to great start here:

When you’re all done, start gluing the army men onto the wreath.

The end result should look like a patriotic hot mess–limbs sticking out everywhere, dudes in piles, guy-on-guy forevs.

TA-DAH.

ZOMG XMASSS
Sitting on a bunch of newspaper like a potty training puppy. I am my own spirit animal.

Hayuck!

I added a big red bow because I am jolly yuletide biatch. Happy Festivus, young grasshopper!