Tag Archives: crafts

DIY Hunger Games Seneca Crane Beard Necklace

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HOLA, CHOLA. Have you seen this moustache necklace phenomenon? Also, I apologize for the above. I should call this the “Vagina Apprecation Necklace” because it makes me so happy I wasn’t born a boy. If I had a pelt on my face like this I would be the creepiest bro, brah.

I realized that the ironic moustache necklace trend is not dying anytime soon, so I thought we’d take this face peacocking to the next level with full blown beard necklaces.  I wanted to dive ‘stache first into a Yosemite Sam full face ginger beard, but quickly remembered that Seneca Crane from The Hunger Games has the dopest face fuzz right now. Look at this jam- WHUT in tarnation is the Norelco wizardry at play here?

Seneca has a pretty clutch job, considering he came a long way from being the creepy camcorder kid from American Beauty.  It seems like all you have to do to be him is rock this stylized five o’clock shadow, parachute Bengay to injured bitches in the forest, and sometimes chillax with Donald Sutherland in a topiary garden.  Let’s do this. Let’s be him, minus the death-by-forest-berry part.

The instructions will be super simple for you to follow if you were ever like, a toddler with budding motor skills and such:

1. Hunt and gather supplies: For the surface of the beard, find some scrap pleather at your local fabric store or neighborhood gypsy family. You also need a bolt of stiff felt, chain, 2 jump rings, and Seneca’s beard template

2. Trace stencil onto fabric and cut pleather and felt together

3. Hot glue felt and pleather together: press down as  the glue dries. Don’t forget the edges!

3. Work those jump rings into the mix and attach chain. You can choose any length you want- I like most of my necklaces to graze some tittage but that’s just me. DO YOU.

DONESIES

The necklace actually looks pretty architectural and cool when worn normally. This will all change soon.

When I model the Seneca beard necklace I always make sure I have my hipster Gamemaker shirt on. I only bring back my anal retentive Navajo soft-butch look for special occasions:

I know. This beard makes my subtle Kardashian resemblance that much more real for you. “Hai, my name is Klonopin Kardashian EL OH EL”

What is it about this necklace that make my smize look so rapey?

I love this piece, although my anxious rubber face still has to get used to it. I’ve almost eaten my soul patch twice.

<3

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DIY Animal Butt Magnets

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Fake animals are the bomb.com/cheap, and they’re GREAT raw material for crafts. Crafting is therapeutic- it definitely lulls the hamster wheels whirring within my brain, plus it helps cork the emotional hole that a real life animal would fill anyway!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve thought about getting an adorable pet so that my heart doesn’t harden into a stiff granite pump as quickly as it would otherwise, but these plastic critters will have to do for now. I heart animals but it’s just not the right time in my life for me to adopt 14 new puppies from Africa or whatever is in fashion with celebrities these days. But I know I would be a great baby mama to a dog because the pooches I usually dig are about the size of most burritos I’m known to give A LOT of love to. I’d also love to get a massive linebacker-sized canine that doesn’t make me look fat, obviously, but I’m afraid my lungs are not robust enough to combat the dander blasts from those Beethoven types. Big short-hair mutts are dope too, but those dogs always seem to be rockin’ huge dangly balls as a statement piece. What’s up with that? That low hanging fruit is maaaad distracting. Sorry, but I just can’t afford to be upstaged by a Scooby Doo’s flopping manhood at this point in my career so a dog will have to wait.  Don’t H8, queen!!!!!

When I decided to make these magnets I galloped to the craft store (looking much like a plastic antelope, coincidentally), and found a whole gleaming section of tiny toy animals- all types of colorful creatures were arranged in inviting translucent tubes. But guess what? There was a rando lady grabbing the last tube of these wild animals right when I got there. The fuq? I was crushed. Trounced. Irked. It felt like a craft marauder was carelessly spelunking in my soul.  I stood there wondering if anyone had ever glue gun pistol-whipped a bitch in the Michaels kiddie craft aisle (no one would see!) just as she snatched up a tub of sea creatures. THANK GOURD.  While I do love me a good synthetic manatee, I was pretty stoked about what I managed to hunt and gather for myself. HARK! Can you hear the Jumanji drums in the distance? FYI if you’re looking to marry me, this is my fat-ass dowry:

To create your own easy butts o’plastic, you will need several toy animals, an Xacto knife, small magnets, and ye olde glue gun:

1. Cut animals in half- This is what the Xacto knife is for – I found the process akin to cutting many firm artisanal cheeses.

All done. Check out my wild orchestra of cool:

“I got 99 problems, and they all bitches.”

2. Glue magnets to animal halves and let dry: I started with the reptile because I love me some nice gator bedonk.

I didn’t want the other halves of the animals to feel left out so I glued them too. ALL DONE!

I once heard that the elephant symbolizes the grounding butthole chakra so how fucking perfect is this? Gosh my shit is deep.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this super easy, very Pinteresting craft. I love repurposing cheap plastic and giving it some utility. Makes me pheel phat.

<3

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Vegetable Bouquet

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Wattup, my saucy little cufflinks.

The veggies are organic, but this smile is 1000% Starbucks Morning Roast! Giggity giggity goo!

Not too long ago I was at home sick sitting in my underwear and browsing the internets, all lit up on Dayquil and the adrenaline of big Hollweird dreamin’. I dunno about you but there is something about internet people that gets my creativity flowing like wine cooler at my cousin’s Quincañera.  So it’s no surprise that pretty soon the muses started screaming at me to make a present for my favorite internet person—the illustrious vegan tit throb, Hi I’m Rawn.

Every girl needs a handsome crunchy vegan in her life. Being around someone like that has the ability to toss human fruit rollups like me straight into ketosis, and bolster our health motivation until it grows like a majestic beanstalk.  I’ll admit that I’m not quite the model of health—my standard lunch is half a Swedish fish and a tablespoon of gasoline, plus I haven’t hit the gym since the Power Rangers were in style (It’s hard to choose a gym when there are so many options! And what is this abhorrent Curves I hear of? Queen, PLEASE! Curves is the tampon of gyms).

There are a lot of things I’d like in this crisp new year, and wanting to want to be healthy is right next to my desire to develop the ability to fart in straight up dub step.  This organic vegetable bouquet I made for Mr. Rawn is a bit of a testament to these craven, embryonic resolutions.  Here’s to a fresh new year, bitches!

If you feel moved to duplicate this bouquet, first ransack your local produce section or farmer’s market like a hungry, foaming quadruped.  Gather many long and fluffy leafy greens: vegetables that look like they basically invented photosynthesis will look best, from an aesthetic standpoint. I used dandelion greens, chard, 2 stalks of leeks, collard greens, a bunch of carrots, rhubarb, golden beets, parsley, Russian kale, purple kale, and a long stalk of brussel sprouts. Wrap all that fluffy green shit up in floral plastic and then hire a freelance dry waller/delivery boy from Craigslist at the last minute on New Year’s Eve to drop it off on your recipient’s doorstep in exchange for an undisclosed amount of crumpled dollah billz and some designer hair pomade. Wait, what?

On the slab:

Funny how much my large, majestic breasts look just like Russian kale!!

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How to Make the Laziest Terrarium Ever

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These are pretty much the most piece of shit winter terrariums in like the history of ever. But at least I didn’t use real dirt, right?? Is it just me or does anyone else get a little skeezed out by real terrariums that have like a pound of clumpy sod on the bottom?  I’m not too keen on bringing any unneeded dirt into my apartment because my feet sweep enough loose debris into this place after losing my shoes at the gay bars every weekend, thankyouverymuch HAY GURL HAY.

Yeah, these terrariums showcase snow, tiny gingerbread men, and a bunch of other festive holiday objects. I know that Christmas is like, soooo last week, but just hear me out. The only thing that I think is weirder than Christmas is the fact that we all forget about it the next day.  The fuq?  If we’re going to have a holiday where we celebrate the birth of a magical baby in a Bethlehem mule trough, then I wanna ride this crazy train until it’s the time of year when LA stops pretending to be winter.

The directions for this terrarium are really simple but I’ll walk you through them if it will make you love me more and overlook all my flaws that you’ll inevitably discover more and more as we deepen our online relationship.

First I dug up some sparkly winter decor.  Luckily my Christmas morning M.O. is pawing through frowzy heaps of rejected tinsel while all the iSnobs around me are busy with what Santa shat under the tree for them that year.  I supplemented the tiny ornaments and sparkly fake snow below with some pimp dinosaurs from the 99 cent store that I had hoarded in the back of my closet like a rodent gearing up for winter.

Then I busted out the wine glasses. Terrariums usually don’t have a stem, but I think they make the whole project look hella jaunty and regal as fuq.

I gently laid the sparkle pubes inside glasses then added the ornaments and dinos. That’s it!  My OCD Windexed the outside of the glasses as a final step but that’s optional if you’re already feelin’ fresh.

Creepin, like I do.

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