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Author Archives: Jacquie
DIY Spiked Bowser Headband
HALLO THURR.
Do you read fashion blogs? I do. I love them because I am a girly girl with a computer machine and a frickin clue. I really enjoy watching blog fashion princesses prancing around fancy places like New York and Milan and not-the-Midwest looking like tall glasses of skim milk in Louboutins. But not gonna lie, those blogs with their pretty girls and their laces and thin metallic leather goods can make me a little jealy. Sometimes I unspool the FASHUNN section of my Google Reader and I’m all “I want expensive tranny heels like her! Why do that bitch’s jaundiced toes get all the fun?” Then I sink my plebian ass into the nubby butt donut I got at JC Pennehh, lamenting the blatant lack of couture frou-frou in my life until I remind myself to check that tacky noise at the door!! Pettiness is for soap opera teenagers and Courtney Love.
We may still be mired in a recession but it’s kind of cool to be broke as all hell right now- DIY is celebrated these days and we live in a time where cheap creative fuqs can sustain a bountiful Klout score because their ideas go viral like Swine flu. As long as we throw in a bit of wit and inventiveness for good measure, the Internet will still be Hellogiggling all the livelong day at our DIY ombre food stamps or whatever. THIS IS OUR MOMENT GUYS OH HAY. Wish I could have this moment 4 life. 4 life. 4 life.
One of my fave things to do is adopt popular trends and bastardize them into a wallet-friendly designs of my own. Lately I’ve been aching to incorporate more studs and spikes into my life, so seeing them on every runway and in magazines and on every cool girl ever has quickly whipped my resolve into a stiff peak. This shit is happening, and since I don’t have a hole in my tongue or an eager tunnel in my septum, these spikes are going on my clothes and accessories.
A spiked headband in particular seems like it would be a great piece to mark my transition into a world of surgical steel and antisocial Bowser heels!! This is a super simple DIY. ONWARD:
1. Order spikes: For the love of GAWD, get them online. I trolled Downtown LA and every bead store both sides of the 405 and I swear to all that is holy someone is hiding these in real life. And they are hiding them in the online stores.
2. Buy a headband for your dainty grapefruit head: and get some superglue while you’re at it.
3. Glue spikes to headband: I noticed that the tiny teeth on the inside of the headband were divided in perfect intervals for spacing out the spikes. So that worked out for me. I used 9 spikes total. 
Do you see that crumpled Coachella wristband from 2011 up there? I straight up found it while looking for a measuring tape. I think I saved it for “crafting”, which deeply depresses me. Never let go!!!!
ALL DONE:
Wait, this looks familiar:
Lady Liberty doth hath me beat! I wish my headband came with an observation deck from which you could better view the zit on my forehead.
I tried to look cool for once, and then my left sclera had to cockblock me:
This headband does make me feel fierce and fresh-as-fuq. HEY, maybe I can be a fashion blog princess one day too! I can already feel the disco stick edging its way up my a$$!
<3
DIY Hunger Games Seneca Crane Beard Necklace
HOLA, CHOLA. Have you seen this moustache necklace phenomenon? Also, I apologize for the above. I should call this the “Vagina Apprecation Necklace” because it makes me so happy I wasn’t born a boy. If I had a pelt on my face like this I would be the creepiest bro, brah.
I realized that the ironic moustache necklace trend is not dying anytime soon, so I thought we’d take this face peacocking to the next level with full blown beard necklaces. I wanted to dive ‘stache first into a Yosemite Sam full face ginger beard, but quickly remembered that Seneca Crane from The Hunger Games has the dopest face fuzz right now. Look at this jam- WHUT in tarnation is the Norelco wizardry at play here?
Seneca has a pretty clutch job, considering he came a long way from being the creepy camcorder kid from American Beauty. It seems like all you have to do to be him is rock this stylized five o’clock shadow, parachute Bengay to injured bitches in the forest, and sometimes chillax with Donald Sutherland in a topiary garden. Let’s do this. Let’s be him, minus the death-by-forest-berry part.
The instructions will be super simple for you to follow if you were ever like, a toddler with budding motor skills and such:
1. Hunt and gather supplies: For the surface of the beard, find some scrap pleather at your local fabric store or neighborhood gypsy family. You also need a bolt of stiff felt, chain, 2 jump rings, and Seneca’s beard template
2. Trace stencil onto fabric and cut pleather and felt together
3. Hot glue felt and pleather together: press down as the glue dries. Don’t forget the edges!
3. Work those jump rings into the mix and attach chain. You can choose any length you want- I like most of my necklaces to graze some tittage but that’s just me. DO YOU.
DONESIES
The necklace actually looks pretty architectural and cool when worn normally. This will all change soon.
When I model the Seneca beard necklace I always make sure I have my hipster Gamemaker shirt on. I only bring back my anal retentive Navajo soft-butch look for special occasions:
I know. This beard makes my subtle Kardashian resemblance that much more real for you. “Hai, my name is Klonopin Kardashian EL OH EL”
What is it about this necklace that make my smize look so rapey?
I love this piece, although my anxious rubber face still has to get used to it. I’ve almost eaten my soul patch twice.
<3
LINKS
- “The Scream” sold for a record $120 millie at Sotheby’s on Wednesday. CHUMP CHANGE, whateverrrr.
- Speaking of high art, it’s Star Wars Day- if you haven’t already, check out my hand made Princess Leia Headphone Covers and make it rain. May the Fourth be wichu!
- He’s that guy: as in, “I’m the guy who made snack bags so impossible to open”
- Aunt Peaches’ Golden Girls art is HOTTt
- Which Avenger are you? I like to party, so I’m the metal one.
- The Avengers as KIDS. I wanna put these lil guys on my collectible shelf!
- I LOVE reading about strippers!!!!
- Finally! Sharks with frickin’ lazer beams attached to their heads!
- Did you know Pulp Fiction now has 5 Million Facebook fans?
- Keds is making Internets-themed shoes!! The YouTube ones are the ballest.
- “Coachella trends that need to die”- maybe they’ll come back in hologram form next year!
- Have you seen Amanda Seyfried as Linda Lovelace?
- Anna Della Russo is teaming up with H&M, which makes my wallet dry-heave with joy.
- Read The Atlantic’s article on Kanye West, “American Mozart”…or don’t.
- Art attacks! Street artist Filthy Luker’s bomb ass Tentacle art (via honestlywtf):
- Now I got tentacles on mah mind!! HAPPY WEEKEND, cuntmuffins!
PEEP MY SHIT: Sequined Airplane Blanket
I love airplane blankets. I don’t have Travoltian levels of aerophilia, but I do like to crack open a fresh plastic pouch to find an uncontaminated spread of fleece within. Back when I was shuttling to and fro from the east coast during my college dayz, I would often leave flights to later discover an airplane blanket clinging to the static dynamo that is my a$$. And so a collection blossomed.
I’ve been doing some intensive closet purging for my bi-yearly “I accidentally watched the domestic rat Hoarders episode again” ritual. I dug up this article from last year, all crumpled and forgotten in the detritus–it’s an unfinished airplane blanket that I had started to feverishly garnish with sewn sequins but then quickly abandoned. Sorry! It was taking up all my hours after work and getting really clingy. Then it cried after sex once and I was like queen, PLEASE, we’ve been doing this for like FOUR DAYS.
Sewing is the shrunken, shriveled kumquat in the garden of my life skills. It’s not an ideal hobby for me because I have no patience to have patience. However I do like the shiny scissors and aura of archetypal femalehood that seem to be involved with stitching….it gets my clumsy fingers humming just thinking about it. So this airplane blanket has been resurrected. I’ve been aching to poke something, so we’ll see if my bumbling claws can get the job done.
It’s supposed to say “I Stole This”
DIY Animal Butt Magnets
Fake animals are the bomb.com/cheap, and they’re GREAT raw material for crafts. Crafting is therapeutic- it definitely lulls the hamster wheels whirring within my brain, plus it helps cork the emotional hole that a real life animal would fill anyway!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve thought about getting an adorable pet so that my heart doesn’t harden into a stiff granite pump as quickly as it would otherwise, but these plastic critters will have to do for now. I heart animals but it’s just not the right time in my life for me to adopt 14 new puppies from Africa or whatever is in fashion with celebrities these days. But I know I would be a great baby mama to a dog because the pooches I usually dig are about the size of most burritos I’m known to give A LOT of love to. I’d also love to get a massive linebacker-sized canine that doesn’t make me look fat, obviously, but I’m afraid my lungs are not robust enough to combat the dander blasts from those Beethoven types. Big short-hair mutts are dope too, but those dogs always seem to be rockin’ huge dangly balls as a statement piece. What’s up with that? That low hanging fruit is maaaad distracting. Sorry, but I just can’t afford to be upstaged by a Scooby Doo’s flopping manhood at this point in my career so a dog will have to wait. Don’t H8, queen!!!!!
When I decided to make these magnets I galloped to the craft store (looking much like a plastic antelope, coincidentally), and found a whole gleaming section of tiny toy animals- all types of colorful creatures were arranged in inviting translucent tubes. But guess what? There was a rando lady grabbing the last tube of these wild animals right when I got there. The fuq? I was crushed. Trounced. Irked. It felt like a craft marauder was carelessly spelunking in my soul. I stood there wondering if anyone had ever glue gun pistol-whipped a bitch in the Michaels kiddie craft aisle (no one would see!) just as she snatched up a tub of sea creatures. THANK GOURD. While I do love me a good synthetic manatee, I was pretty stoked about what I managed to hunt and gather for myself. HARK! Can you hear the Jumanji drums in the distance? FYI if you’re looking to marry me, this is my fat-ass dowry:
To create your own easy butts o’plastic, you will need several toy animals, an Xacto knife, small magnets, and ye olde glue gun:
1. Cut animals in half- This is what the Xacto knife is for – I found the process akin to cutting many firm artisanal cheeses.
All done. Check out my wild orchestra of cool:
“I got 99 problems, and they all bitches.”
2. Glue magnets to animal halves and let dry: I started with the reptile because I love me some nice gator bedonk.
I didn’t want the other halves of the animals to feel left out so I glued them too. ALL DONE!
I once heard that the elephant symbolizes the grounding butthole chakra so how fucking perfect is this? Gosh my shit is deep.
Anyway I hope you enjoyed this super easy, very Pinteresting craft. I love repurposing cheap plastic and giving it some utility. Makes me pheel phat.
<3
Pantone Chip Nails
Ay carumba, Internets! BEHOLD my primitive creation: Pantone Chip Acrylic Nails. Whattup, color-cockblocking:
I didn’t realize my index finger was such a clunker. It’s probably so buff from always pushing “Yes” on the button to life.
Before you cast the first stone, please know that I am aware these are not 18-3943. Okay. Now you can cast the first stone.
I’ve resisted getting my nails did for a long time – like the length of at least 2.5 Kim Kardashian marriages. I know! I’m just not too cray cray about girly girl stuff that seems to get everyone else’s undies in a bunch. I’m very “meh” about those things, which is completely at odds with the fact that I am my own drag personality. Yes, I wear makeup, but I feel that there’s an inherent masculinity in my technique of smearing that sparkle gel warpaint on my lids every day. WHATEVAR. I wear the shit outta makeup but still use a spork to brush the straw-like fringe that sprouts from my head.
So you can just guess who was gobsmacked (me) when I got the sudden urge the other day to spackle my nailbeds with acrylic and turn my hands into a beautiful full blown double rainbow. Maybe I’m growing a more refined sense of vanity and morphing into a real girl. Finally!
They needed to look boss as fuq so I settled on a design that was a pretty duhhh choice to my obviously super refined and design-oriented mind–the Pantone color chip. The Internet loves to get jiggy with this jam:
This was a nitty gritty DIY–partly to temper my control issues and mostly cuz I didn’t want to fork $100 of my monthly candy fund over to an aesthetician who would do a much better job. I invite you to join me below in my Pantone Chip Acrylic Nail DIY tutorial. Don’t be scared! It’ll put some hair on your chest (maybe literally, if you purchased your acrylic in #Koreatown like me. Yee yee!).
1. Gather supplies: Nail polish of your choice, tacky French Manicure tips, Acrylic Nail Dip Kit, and clear shiny labels (I used the labels nestled within the Avery “Clear Label Index Maker Pocket Dividers”). You might want to add a breathing mask to the mix here- In hindsight I realize I shoulda probably worn one of those SARS masks while maneuvering the nail superglue because I’m a sensitive bubble girl asthmatic type and I wheeze like Vader when exposed to chemicals.
2. Apply acrylics by watching the masters: This was my first time doing acrylic nails so I hit up the Youtubes for assistance and did what they told me. It’s so cool how we basically have the world at our fingertips because of modern technology. It’s even cooler how we can literally look up how to make it hard to use those fingertips at a computer because this is what the acrylics do to your nails at first:
Check out my inviting claws of passion. So dope. It’s like a day in the life of one of those Guinness world record holders. They would never be able to achieve this Pantone chip nail look! We should feel lucky.
3. Cover tips with tape: I am jittery like a tiny chihuahua, so this next step really helped me paint my nails with aplomb. Grab some Scotch tape and cover the white tips of each nail cuz shit’s gonna git painted.
4. Paint Nails: If you don’t know how to do this, go back in time to 2nd grade and use your lunch money to buy a clue.
Don’t forget to touch up any misshaps with a Q-Tip and some nail polish remover!!!! Keep it fresh.
5. Remove tape and let dry.
6. Print the Pantone branding onto the labels, cut to match the size of the tips, and apply to nails: I don’t have the elusive Pantone font, so I cropped the clearest image of a Pantone chip that I could find in a Google search, shrunk it, and dropped that into each label and printed it out. I then attached that to each nail after I cut it to size.
THIS IS CHEATING. Every Pantone color has a different corresponding number on the chip. I used 18-3943s for every nail and it works for me because I live on the Internet and don’t have much human contact or opportunities for people to care- It’s usually just me in my digital ivory tower, pickin lint outta my ass. But some of you are sexy designer types, and pairing each nail color with the correct number pretty much ensures your survival for at least one more day in the wild. Do the right thing.
Look at all the wisdom in my thumb:
7. Finish the look with a couple of coats of clear top coat: and we’re DONE!
8. Instagram that dope shit: Duh.
These nails are the illest. I want them to take me to a disco and twirl me and dip me and make me their woman!
<3
Peep My Shit
id you read the Hunger Games? I did. It was a wee disturbing because of all the angsty teenage ritual killings, but it did help me feel a lot less insecure about my furtive bark-eating habit. I’m currently baguette-deep into the series, soley due to a neurotic drive to ingest whatever’s currently clogging up the pop culture zeitgeist. If something is popular I must have it, own it, and make it my bitch, if only for one night. I must pee on the proverbial IKEA Nästved rug, if you will.
My iPad is in need of a spit shine and a robust charge to prepare for tonight’s mind slog through these here Pee-Dee-Effs. I want to finish Catching Fire, the misunderstood Ginger middle child of the series, so I have 45 minutes blocked off tonight and a fresh patina of Teen Spirit in my pits.
Shalom.
Easter is Coming!!!!1one
Valentine’s Day Essentials
In honor of the most rapey of holidays, I’ve put together some important Valentine’s Day essentials. This is a bit of a starter kit for all y’alls who wanna get jiggy with Eros tonight. Have fun practicing making babies, y’alls!
XOXOOXOXXOOXOooxxxxxxXXxXxXxXXxzxzxzxjzkL:Djsiof;uDJSJdhwqj;fdckl”:fdskljk,
<3 Jacquie