Author Archives: Jacquie

HOW TO: DRAGON EGG EASTER EGGS

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The Game of Thrones Season 3 premiere is coming up this Easter, totally upstaging the Easter bunny and all his absurd marshmallow regalia. This calendar alignment can only mean one thing: we are like, MEANT to make dragon egg Easter eggs. “WHERE ARE MY DRAGUNZ??” you ask. -Incubating in my doooope easter basket this year.

I love Khaleesi, even though she developed a bit of a bossy ‘tude after stepping into her power in the 2nd season. I love her in the early first season where she was just a whisper of the boss biatch she would later become, even though she still cried during sex. She digs hot guys who aren’t afraid to wear eyeliner or toss her liquefied gold cookware onto rapey sibling bullies AND clearly abides by my main sartorial guiding philosophy: “Long-hair-don’t care.” There is fire in her bosoms and dragons in her basket!

Khaleesi’s had it hard this year- she’s a wayward princess trapped in a mythical wasteland, wobbling on the unforgiving stiletto that is life. It could be worse. She could be in LA, the land of calcified dreams- stuck with her friend-zoned Van Gogh lookalike as a widowed single mom raising a trio of meddlesome dragon babies sans fire insurance.

I didn’t read the books. Are Khaleesi and her lizards gonna charbroil Westeros? The dragons are totally gonna start puberty in the next season, aren’t they? Shit’s gonna get sooo angsty! Don’t spoil it for me! Wish I could punt my obsessive curiosity across the English Channel until the season finally begins, but I’ll just have to adopt some eunuch patience and acceptance and wait it out.

OMG AND WATCH MY HOW TO VIDEO DUH:

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Big Bird Costume Tutorial

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Y’ALL. It’s that time of year when we get all Martha up in this bitch. NO, I’m not talking about tax season. Halloween!

Last year I was Big Bird for Halloween, which has suddenly become relevant thank gourd. I just created this video tutorial on how to make the costume because you know….I look out for you bitches. The legs and feet are maaaaad authentic and real looking, so if you’re going to do the Big Bird thing this year you need to do it this way.

This is my first YouTube video so please don’t bite too hard. It’s about 9 minutes long and my voice is gratingly “me”:

(Don’t forget to watch in 1080p so you can see all my pores. JK, I don’t have pores.)

 

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Things I Put On and Inside Me

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Arcona

This is what I’ve been using on my skin since I was 14, because I’m from LA and we are taught at an early age that the face is the window to a rich man having your babies (or something).  I never saw a pore on my face until I was 23, and I got my first pimple when I was 20. I’d like to attribute it to genetics but I was birthed fully formed from a large pore on my dad’s face like Athena the crafty lesbian goddess, so I’m pretty sure this dermatological godsend is the cause of my skin. I know I sound like a Geisha-visaged douchecanoe, but a great complexion is all I’ve got. SO LET ME HAVE THIS MOMENT. My face may be a’ight, but In 2001 I slid down a huge rock in Big Bear mountain whilst wearing hot pants and my ass has never been the same.  So I have a leatherbutt but my face is pretty dope, OKAY? #Duality

I haven’t been able to refill my supplies lately so I’ve been using this Vitamin C cream from CVS and I’m basically depressed because of it. But the good thing about Arcona is that it has a cumulative effect, so even if you stop using it for a bit you’ll be able to ride on the dewey beautiful skin algae phytoplankton coattails for a while. At least two Thai women on different occasions have totally creamed over my skin lately, so I think I’ve still got something left in these brittle pores!

 Netty Pots Are For Poosies

LA has been hot and dusty and disgusting all summer, which means I need something to clear out all the  tumbleweeds in my sinus cavity. This sinus rinse is where it’s really at. Fuq netti pots.  If you wanna sinus rinse with the big dogs, you’ve gotta pull the big time hydraulics and go with this bad boy. One time I squirted it so hard that the saline solution came out of my eyeballs. ! So it can get Guinness Book of World Records/AWESOME up in your face real fast if you’re not careful.

Philosophy Amazing Grace

I wore Flower Bomb perfume since 2008, on and off. I think they call it “Flowerbomb” because when you buy it, it leaves a large dent in your checking account that is much akin to what a bomb would do. Then I tried this jam: Amazing Grace by Phiilosophy. I honestly think it smells like dog shampoo, but for some reason people love the smell of it on me and it makes every single white girl swoon when they reach up to hug my elegant Loch Ness neck. Tons of guys will inhale gulpfuls of  it too (my boyfriend is neutral as he prefers I smell like bark). Not sure why this scent mixes so well with my natural samurai pheromones, but I’m into it because I love attention and will make myself smell like anything to get more of it. I’m even thinking of buying one of their official scented candles, and I NEVER buy perfume candles unless they’re in the shape of/have the personality of that weirdly hot candelabra in Beauty and the Beast.

Apple Cider Vinegar 

First of all, Apple Cider Vinegar is like the Snoop Dogg of vinegars. It’ll do ANAYTHANG!!

This is weird, but ACV kinda melts your fat off. I swear to you. I take 2 capfulls a day in a large glass of water 2-3 times a day and it gives me energy and somehow keeps me thinner but I also smell like I’ve been dying Easter eggs A LOT. Small price to pay oh hay.

HEMP MILK 

Milk and soy are super mucus-forming, which is a riduclous thing for me to say, on account of my debilitating macaroni and cheese addiction (I’ve been clean 4 weeks now). If I had a skim milk udder on my own body I would freebase white Russians all day and spray vegan passersby with my tasty extractions. But this stuff has got me hooked. A cold glass of this goes great with a delicious desire to eat healthy f00d.

NOTE: This is not a sponsored post. Queen, PLEASE! I wish…I would love to magnetize sponsorships to me so I can tell you guys all about it.  I would host giveaways for dry shampoo etc. and be super candid in sponsored Spanxx reviews.  I’ll be super honest and enlightening, and I promise to at least be as transparent as a Forever 21 maxi dress if that ever comes my way.

Later Taters

<3

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50 Shades of Grey DIY Wall Hanging

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It was only a matter of time before the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon dominated the craft world, ahem. This DIY wall hanging is made of exactly 50 different shades of grey (multiples of each were used, thankyouverymuch. Multiples are also something this craft has in common with the book that inspired it, OH SNAP!).

*why do cameras make carpet looks soooo “Craigslist”?? 

The entire piece is made of paint samples you can get for free at any paint or hardware store. They may be free, but everything comes at a price, yo.  I was pocketing these things in deck-of-cards handfuls in front of more modest patrons and it was embarrassing. I’m pretty ballsy by nature, but I honestly would rather buy out CVS’ entire supply of vagisil in front of 50 leering Ryan Goslings than pilfer Orchard Supply’s muted grey suicide watch tones in bulk again.  I felt guilty because everyone else in the paint section was clearly sampling hues for projects  that probably involved electric sanders, knowledge of LA zoning laws, and at least 1 mexican woodsmith. At least I have enough of these samples leftover to mod-podge a pirate ship, so maybe a project with more utility is in my future. Thar she blows!

All you need to create this hanging on your own is a large foam board and some thumbtacks. Arrange the paint samples in rows, starting from the bottom and working your way up until you achieve a beautiful ombre design. GIGGITY!!!

<3

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50 Shades of Hey Girl Heyyyy

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I have a sneaking suspicion that the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon is going to bring an avalanche of bondage and S&M fashion trends–as if it didn’t already happen every year in a big leather wave with Rihanna sitting on its crest wearing a hemp ball gag. For the uninformed, 50 Shades of Grey is the first in a series of novels that started as Twilight fan fuckery and turned into full blown “mommy porn” trilogy, replete with bondage and kinkiness galore. I heard Seacrest wailing about it on his morning show the other day and for whatever reason, it appears that this book has firmly clamped the large turgid nipple of the mass consciousness right now.

I’m excited for the impending bondage accessory DIY mania…. I’ll be waiting with the hammer of Thor in hand, ready to lay the smackdown on some cobbler’s leather.  I’ve always dug the look of harnesses and leather and studs, probably because I’m a freaking badass biatch whose coolness must be restrained. I got really into the aesthetic back in college when I was part of a super hilarious student event.

Sidenote- Back in school I was never a part of the Greek system. I wasn’t a horrible frat boy cling-along nor a lucite sorority girl so I had to find acceptance and belonging elsewhere. I clearly sampled the frat-tastic dudes for sport, but never caught full-on ebrola, thankyouverymuch. I actually got rejected from every sorority at Yale, most likely because the other girls could tell my mental diq was the biggest in the room and tucked their necks into their double-collared shells whenever I came around. Thankfully, my school was an ideal playground for marginalized oddities like me and I found my tribe. I didn’t need the sororities and their awesome lesbian manors!

One way I searched for meaningful integration into college life was by latching onto scandalous student organizations. Transgressive gypsy living perfectly suited me as a lapsed Catholic! I co-directed this sex education event called Sex Week at Yale, in which one of my many tasks was interviewing JT of JT’s Stockroom, aka the premier fetish and bondage sexporium in the sunny City of Angels. He was very charming and his company kindly sent me a few high res pictures of naked women in puppy cages.  OH And I somehow finagled a deal where we would promote them on a poster for a huge party, aptly named “Skull and BONED,” in return for borrowing $3,000 worth of latex fetish wear for the poster design.  They sent me boxes full of pristine girdles and skirts made of latex…I had to be oiled like a vintage Schwarzenegger in order to fit into those tiny rubber sheaths, but hark! It worked!

50 Shades of bondage fashion:

The caged bird BLINGS:

 

<3

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OKAYOKAY

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So I have lost not one, but TWO (two!) crafts, aka chunky posts, to card read errors this past week. QUE LASTIMA.

I AM BETTER THAN THIS!  I’m a member of generation iPod fer chrissakes. There is no excuse for any of us to devolve into slipshod iSchlubs. My technical negligencies totally swamped my blog game. NO MOAR! I need to be the mitochondria of craft bloggers- a powerhouse of archetypal feminine artistry pumping out a heady mix of macrame and felted Yodas so y’all can lap that shit up.

Gotta go oil ye olde brain cogs see u soon.

<3

Image via

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Totally looks like…

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So like….

They are taking iPhone app facial recognition to the next level, yo. The match may not make sense now, but I’d like to think that this is fortelling my future as a glistening macho action star with a supple silly putty face. I really think this is deep stuff right here.

Maybe I’ll start a 90s blues band and vacation in Idaho and name my spawn things that rhyme with “tumor”…Demi is single and the wheels are in motion. Y’all!

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PIXEL MOUSE EARRINGS

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Ya dig????

I made these and then realized that my earring holes have closed up again. UGH! Who wants to come over and fix them with me tonight? We can pretend I’m an ear virgin and have a slumber party whilst we pierce me like a Mexican 2 month old at Claire’s. We need some vodka, a potato, and a butter knife! Should we Ustream it? DM me.

[GUFFAWWW]

<3

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