olor me Lohan, but it feels like I’ve been house-arresting-it-up all week—I’ve been tit deep in Princess Leia headphone cover orders. Content-wise, the blog has been spartan as fuq these past several days. It sucks more than the Octomom’s old breastpump. Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon with all the pageantry of the Toddlers and Tiaras. I’m pooptardedly tired right now but I managed to give you guys a perky, winsome smize right here. Am I doin it rite oh hay
What I’m wearing: Christmas reject wreath bow, lime green rapist button down, and my black-yet charitable-heart.
1) OFFENSIVELY LARGE PURSES ARE MY JAM AGAIN
I’m a native to Los Angeles, which means I have a penchant for massive, arm-snappingly huge purses. Let’s just say my purse better be so deep that when I rummage through it for my bedazzled mace can my hand ends up in friggin Narnia. Carting a fresh batch of these Leia buns to the post office requires an Olsen twin-sized bag, which has really been bringing me back to my roots. So that’s nice.
Make them go away.
2) SWIFFER PRODUCTS LOVE TO OM NOM MY HAIRY MESSES
I have about a thousand Swiffer brand products because I am a living #firstworldproblem. I collect every version: dry, wet, aroused, you name it. Nothing snatches up a clotted weave hairball from a thatch of hardwood floor like this static juggernaut:
3) A TASTE OF MILD INTERNET FAMOUSNESS 4EVSIES
I made it to the front page of a few of some of my favesie internet publications last week, which left my ego bloated like a boiled prawn. But what really got me panting like an attention starved show dog was when the Japanese sites sniffed out my stuff:
This literally says “JACQUIE-COE LEGO-MONSTER” in one line. GTFO
4) I MIGHT HAVE AN AUDIENCE BIGGER THAN 1 PERSON NOW (HAI MOMMY)
Google analytics tells me that there are real people out there reading this thing, and that some of you are returning. Multiple times, too. And I think there’s a possibility that some of those visits are not just spambots named Geralyn who think my shit is the “cat’s paamjas!”:
I hope this blog becomes a place where I can let my creativity simmer like a SpaghettiO at low heat. I also wanna know if my content is eliciting any subtle or strong emotions or visceral bodily reactions from you mystery readers—giggling, scratching, vomiting, etc. Are you EL OH ELLing? I wanna know if you guys might be laughing, even if it’s on the inside. My liver gives convulsive chuckles all the fucking time.
I can’t wait to be back in full dick swing. I have so much to show you, you guys! Besides my crippling macaroni and cheese addiction, I’m pretty much one million percent couture and top class. You guys don’t even know yet, but you’ll see. You’ll see so hard.
Smell ya later and may the Schwartz be wichu, giggity giggigty goo!